Recently I haven't felt really well and I knew that eventually- I would get some kind of sign that things need to change. And I'm a stubborn person so I basically wear myself until there isn't anything left and I'm angry that I let it get to that point. So while for a few months now I have been walking around with the equivalent of a pit of stress in my stomach, what feels like a bowling ball in my uterus, and occasional stabbing pain where my ovaries are. I feel anxious all of the time. When I do exercise sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath. If I look on WebMD it says I might have prostate cancer. I try not to think about that because I don't have a prostate... so it's all very stressful. And probably best to ask a real live doctor.
Today I had my annual checkup at the OB and she's looking at me like I'm nuts as I'm explaining my symptoms and while we've ruled out pregnancy (yay!), she has no idea what the frack is wrong with me. I have an ultrasound scheduled for July (so it can't be that serious, right? If I have to wait until July?) and I am waiting for blood work to come back.
What she was able to tell me is that my blood pressure is 145/100. That was my lowest of three readings. So clearly I have high blood pressure today. Is it stress? Maybe. Is it a wake up call to eat better and for real get out and exercise? Yes.
Then on my drive home I'm trying to think of ways to get less stressed out. I see an email from our Realtor that the home inspector (that came to our house for our buyer) recommended a foundation specialist. Now, it's because he either couldn't fit in the crawl space or it was too wet for him to try since it was raining, but it freaks me out. I think of nothing but bad things that could come of this. I could have not one foundation issue but in my head I translate that to, "Holy shit my house is falling apart, and it'll never sell, and I can't afford to fix that because it would be expensive probably and I bet I can't even sell a kidney because ow- my kidney hurts because I think I have to pee, and what if I pee my pants because I clearly held it for too long.." and continue. It's non stop in my head. I am completely incapable to hearing something like "foundation specialist" and be like, "Oh- no big deal.".
Then I tell Matt all of this and he's all like, "Sara- shut up. My show is on. But that sucks your stomach hurts." I freak out (inside of course, because the kids are right there), and in my head I'm like, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! What if I have fucking cancer! I bet you'll feel bad then! Because who is going to wash your wet socks and dirty underwear? Huh? HUH? My children will end up as dirty, hungry orphans with dirty, mismatched socks and unbrushed hair!"
Maybe none of this is rational, but it's what goes through my head.
All I know is that days like today make me want to run away from home. And be homeless on a beach. Hurricanes be damned.
And at the same time, it makes me lose hope in the medical community. I mean, I've had a neurologist tell me I'm not really having migraines, I'm just depressed. I've had one doctor give me four medications for morning dizziness. I've had another doctor they have no idea why when I get a migraine I lose vision but maybe I shouldn't chew gum.
I don't even chew gum.
So when I go today and they draw a shit ton of blood, make me pee in a cup, and orders an ultrasound and says, "I guess if these all come back... you're OK." Um, I don't think a blood draw, urine in a cup and an ultrasound will make stabbing in my stomach/uterus/ovaries stop, but I guess I'll try? I mean, what the fuck do I know- I came in thinking I had prostate cancer.