It almost sounds like the title of one of those children's horror stories, doesn't it? Oh but it's not, it's a real life rendition of what our Monday night was. So kick back in your cubicle because you and I both know you should be working and you're not, and be prepared to snort and make your cube mates wonder what the hell you're doing in the privacy of your slice of working man's paradise.
It all started with the home inspection report our buyer had a week ago Saturday. Fortunately for us, nothing major was highlighted and the buyer still wants our house. YAY. The stupid part is how he wants us to fix a handful of really minor things that make it clearly obvious the buyer isn't what you would call handy. But it's alright- we had most everything we would need to fix it and most everything is a 5 minute job so Matt has tackled one per night because god forbid you put your Mr. Efficient pants on and get it all done at once.
The largest project was going to be "fix the leak under the kitchen sink". Which, we knew the plumbing would have to be replaced but I figured that clearly the new owner will re-do the kitchen and they would just do that then. But no. That's not what happens. So Matt, being the good husband he is, took on the plumbing project Monday evening. It was supposed to be a 20 minute job at most. He started at 7pm.
(And as a little side- this is one of those limited times where I will gush over Matt's greatness. He is the guy who does everything I don't want to do, if it's incredibly disgusting and foul, he'll take care of it. He really is a trooper in that sense.)
So Matt starts. He removes the existing stainless steel plumbing under the sink and folks? Do not use stainless steel. Fact #1: It really will rust, I don't care what Menards tells you. They are wrong. He removes that and as he goes a little further he discovers problem #1: the pipe that goes from under the sink, directly to the crawlspace, which then connects to the pipe that eventually connects to the city? It's maybe a 2 foot long pipe between the bottom of our cupboard to the crawlspace? Totally cracked in half. "Fixed" with a gross amount of duct tape.
Fact #2: Duct tape? Is not waterproof.
This duct tape means that half of what we put down our sink (think of how many times water goes down your sink in a day, times that by 10 years) sprays all over the crawlspace/under our cabinets.
So Matt determines that clearly needs to be replaced. But when he removes the board that it's stuck to courtesy of duct tape- the horrors of the mess under the sink? Let's just say I gagged and ran. Promptly turned on a show about wives killing husbands on the ID channel and called it good. Meanwhile, Matt is swearing and really hating his life right now.
He determines that he needs to go into the crawlspace to measure his pipes and will have to run to Menards to get the correct plumbing. While down there he discovers problem #2: When you have a 2 inch pipe in the beginning, you cannot go down to a 3/4 inch pipe. That much flow of water cannot conform to a smaller pipe with no notice. This means that smaller pipe? Will split in half as well and again, you will now have water leaking in two places.
Matt then sets off to Menards. Which is closed. He then goes to Walmart with false hope they'd have something. They do not. He then races like a crazy bitch in labor to Home Depot, which closes at 9 and it was 8:40. He got there as they are calling out letting people know they are trying to close. He's frantically running through the plumbing section and then had to get a new blade for his cutter tool thingie and he was out of there in 5 minutes. (And for those of you keeping track? We are not two hours into this project.)
I was kind of proud of his mad shopping skills. AND he had a list. *swoon*
When he came home he went into the crawlspace and figured working backwards is the best option. Unfortunately, while cutting through existing pipe he suddenly remembered that when you cut into old plumbing? Do you know what you smell?
I remember it from the laundry room project! It's probably right up there with the smell of a dead body as something you can always identify and you'll never forget.
It's the water that basically hangs out in your pipes so that the smell doesn't come back up through the pipes and through your sink and make your entire place smelly.
And poor Matt.
Poor Matt threw up. He threw up and he doesn't really throw up from gross stuff, but hearing him throw up makes me want to throw up.
A few minutes later, I hear thumping on the floor and he's like, "I can fucking hear you laughing! This isn't fucking funny, SARA!"
But let's be honest, it kind of really was.
Then Matt swears again because while cutting the pipe the rest of the way, the battery on his cutter thing dies. He then has to crawl out, switch it with his flashlight battery, which means he's now working 100% in the dark. And because it's dark, he crawls right through his piles of puke.
Be honest, you're laughing again, aren't you? I totally was.
He then is having me pull the pipe up out of the floor of the cupboard, which I cannot do because hello- it's totally stuck. As I'm pulling, the entire board is coming up two inches and it's going nowhere. I'm sitting there gagging because I can smell the sludge and the sewage smell and I don't think Matt was appreciating the fact I was even trying to help. That smell was serious. But eventually, I got it out but I was not touching that thing with my hand, ugh, so I propped it up. And then I obviously went back to my show.
After he finishes up in the crawlspace, he comes back out and then into the kitchen which, I should have taken a picture. He's covered in dirt, puke, water, mouse poop and what looks like saw dust. Head to fucking foot.
While he's putting the new pipes in, he's reminding me of how tiny that crawlspace is. I've never been in there but he's telling me that literally, he's on his belly all of the time working. Like, he can't sit up at all. It's that snug. That would freak me out because, ew. There are mice and spiders and now puke, ugh. So gross.
Thankfully, all of the plumbing worked perfect the first time he did it so he didn't have to go back down there. AND he even cleaned the really gross mystery sludge under the cabinets for me. And he gagged- I saw him. I can't even tell you how much bleach was used to sanitize it, but it was a lot. We were still high from it in the morning. All three cats looked high as well because I caught Stumpy and Batman licking the walls in the living room for no reason. So, there's that.
But Matt wasn't even bittersweet about finishing his last home project in this house. I believe his response was, "If this buyer asks for one more thing? He's on his god damn own. I hate this fucking house. And I smell like fucking puke- I think it's in my hair."
So that? That was the story of our VERY LAST home project in our clearly ghetto house. Good luck to you, Mr. New Buyer.
And Matt is now eagerly helping me pack because he can't leave this house fast enough.