You know how yesterday I was all sappy and sentimental? Well today we're switching that off for a post that is more true to my personality.
1. Merging. I saw this every single construction season, but if you are afraid of highways? Get the hell off. If merging seamlessly into traffic isn't your thing and your palms get sweaty approaching that scary lane, you need to not be driving. Seriously. Your hesitation lets everyone else on the road know you are absolutely terrified and you just want Jesus to take the wheel. Jesus isn't going to help you. You have to use what we call in Driver's Ed- judgement. You need to judge the distance between cars, estimate if you fit, and haul fucking ass and get yourself in there so the 50 cars behind you don't riot and ram you off the road.
2. Four way stops. If you don't understand how a four way stop works, you need to stop driving. Seriously. When it is very clearly my turn because I was first, you need to not pull out, stop, pull out, and stop, only to decide that oh gee- it's not actually my turn. My bad.
3. Stop signs. You know what? You actually have to stop at stop signs. Ugh- I know. I hate them too, but they are handy little things that you know, regulate the flow of traffic. When you approach a stop sign, slow down. Don't slam on your brakes and give me the finger because you were too busy texting to notice the stop sign that has been there for years. It's not like some rogue sign just popped out of the ground.
4. Pedestrians. I don't know if you know this, but it's illegal to hit a person in a cross walk. Yeah, surprising, isn't it? When you see a person, maybe even a mom with a triple stroller, patiently waiting to cross the street? Maybe not be a douche and just stop for her. You are a special breed of selfish, entitled, pompous asshole if you don't stop for pedestrians in a crosswalk. There really is something wrong with you. What- is McDonald's going to sell out of french fries for your fat ass? Are you hoping to buy them out? You just have to get there rightfuckingnow, don't you? Moo. Moo to you.
5. Ghettomobiles. I don't see enough people talking about this but I am an unafraid white person apparently who is just going to call you ghettomobile drivers out. If your car bounces? You look stupid. Not one of us around you are thinking, "Man. I wish my little SUV bounced. Why isn't that a stock option?" No. We're all looking at you like, "Nice to see the welfare I paid into is feeding small children instead of providing people bouncy cars."
6. Speakers. If your stereo is so loud and it sounds like your glass is on the verge of shattering because of the vibration? I'm going to go on a limb and say you maybe got installed by your friend in his garage and he doesn't really know what he's doing but hey- you got a good deal on these speakers on Craigslist and you're just going to make them fit into your little Toyota Corolla. You can't afford to fix your two donut tires but by god, you are going to bump to Lil' Wayne like your backstage at a show. You go, white kid.