One thing you will notice of this vacation is that we crammed a lot into our six days of vacation. Our first full day was an absolute success despite being rained out, so we expected no less on day two at Epcot. Oh, how things would be different. And for the record- I've been to Epcot before. Matt and I both remember it being pretty fun and Olivia is way into learning about different cultures and countries and I thought this would be perfect.
After our fake space adventure, we consulted the brochure and decided we'd be smart and get a Fast Pass for the ONE ride Jackson would fit on, the Test Track. It's basically an incredibly fast race car ride. We get the Fast Pass to come back at 3. It is now 9:15 in the morning. No big deal. I figure worst case scenario, I can lord the ride over his head for good behavior like any responsible parent would. In the meantime, we decided we're going to the area of the park that has country stuff and we were going to get every imaginable character experience we could.
Fun fact. The park opens at 9. It's beastly hot out so we go in search of water. Would you believe me if I told you the nation area doesn't open to 11? Not even street vendors selling water at ungodly prices? You'd laugh at that but oh was it true. Also notable was the fact that there was literally nobody there. Like, nobody. I told Matt it was really creepy to walk around a theme park and not see another person around.
We consulted with our trusty brochure and see Belle, from Beauty and the Beast, was to be out signing books and taking pictures at like 11. So we get in line and suddenly all the other 20 people in the park are in line with us.
So after that, we find water and patiently wait for Matt to throw down another $10 on two bottles because why not? (Fun fact- over the course of two days? We spent approximately $200 in bottled water alone. Not joking.)
Once we got water, we moved the 5 feet to get in line for Alice in Wonderland. Who, as it turns out, is really fucking amazing and hilarious. The girl playing her? NAILED IT. She sounds like Alice, she looks like Alice, she comes off as mentally deficient like Alice, basically she was great.
So another disappointment? The country areas? Kind of suck. Maybe we went on a down day, but there were no street performers, nothing fun happening, it was basically just walking through it.
We walked over to the United States exhibit and decide it's the safest place to eat lunch because my kids are picky eaters and we all know I won't eat things I can't pronounce. So we spend another $75 on cafeteria food at dirty tables. Oh, and we got to sit next to a garbage can. You can imagine what that's like in 105 degree weather.
After lunch, we decide to tell the other countries to fuck off because I couldn't imagine they'd be any better than the first 5 we saw. On the way back to where rides are, stealthy Matt spots Pluto and promptly drags the children across the sidewalk.
We saw a "surprise mob" of characters and saw everyone:
After this, Olivia told me she heard someone say Princess Jasmin was here so like good parents, we walk all the way back to mother fucking Morocco, wait in like for a full hour in legit sun. Like, no shade. None. At all. When I tell you that my bra had pooling sweat in it? Not an exaggeration.
But here's my other rant? Remember how I'm like, one picture and done? Also applies to phone calls. DO NOT MAKE CHARACTERS CALL PEOPLE. Because it's really hard to restrain the urge to punch a person when you are in the happiest place on Earth. But no joke, one guy had Aladdin call his girlfriend, (which hello, douche- why not BRING her?!) and one guy had Aladdin and Jasmine record a happy birthday video on a phone.
I am not joking.
People are epic assholes.
And the ride is closed.
Never fear though, they said we could come back anytime before the park closed at 9 and get on. Oh, no big deal. So instead, we went over to The Seas and did a bunch of stuff in there.
Only to find it was permanently closed for the rest of the day.
When we told Jackson his response was, "Are you SERIOUS???" because this was the ONLY ride he could ride. I'm not counting the Spaceship Earth because that wasn't a ride. It was a bizarre train thing into a giant golf ball. You want to talk about disappointment? This was it.
Oh, and we watched the 1980's movie "Captain EO" with Michael Jackson. It was creepy. Mostly because this is clearly the forgotten park and you can tell no real effort or money has gone into making this park worthwhile for people to go to. You never hear anyone say, "Man- Epcot was a blast!!". You know why? Because it's not. It's a huge disappointment and at $371 or so for us to get in? Should have went to another park. Or Sea World. *sigh*
Let's talk about the hotel. So remember how I said it was a $30/night deal and it would either be the deal of a lifetime or the scariest three nights of our lives? Turns out it's in the middle. What it doesn't tell you is that it is a motel, in a kind of sketch neighborhood with scalpers all over the place so you just know people get ripped off daily. It's also the ghetto leg of a timeshare place in Orlando so they push the timeshare crap on you hardcore. The pool is filthy, there is no continental breakfast despite advertising it, and the Wi-fi? Non existent. And because my laptop has a dead battery and needs to be plugged in and the lobby outlets don't work, I have the option to use their computer.
For a $15 fee of course.
I still don't know what that was, but you bet your ass I slept with my shoes on that final night.