Well, the good news is that I did not die during my 5K mud/obstacle run on Saturday. The bad news is that I have seen more vaginas, nipples and ass cracks that I ever thought I would in my life, all in the short span of twenty minutes.
I'm talking about the Dirty Girl Mud Run. Which was hands down, the most fun run I have ever done and I had legs apart, the best group of ladies to run it with. I'm kind of glad it was just us four because we were a good group and it was hilarious. And quite frankly, I don't know if I would have made it without Cassandra telling me to get my ass moving or Connie helping me down obstacles so I didn't bust my ass and have to ride in the medic trailer.
And I have pictures, mostly before/afters, only because Matt refused to walk the trail and fully document everything that happened. I'm working on his show pony skills still. Apparently.
Obstacle 2 was the Get A Grip. It was the first of a few rope ones and you climb up a rope wall and ring the bell. That was far harder than I thought because I am not good at ropes. Then the way down was a bit tricky as well.
Utopian Tubes was third and that was where you got muddy and wet for the first time. Warning: the mud smells horrible and it is cold. You will army crawl through it and no amount of training can prepare you for running in sopping wet shoes and socks.
Get Over Yourself- 8 foot wall. Enough said. Thank god Connie was there because she helped me navigate the way down. I didn't want to look down but I also am only 5'3 so my foot did not just land on a step, I needed help finding it. Thankfully for Connie, I did not bust my ass here.
PMS. ooh yuck. You run through a mud pit. Also not awesome because by this point, we had kind of dried off and I wasn't feeling as disgusting.
The Monkey. This is the only obstacle I really thought I would skip. I've seen a few YouTube videos of people doing it, I've seen other bloggers talk about it, but it doesn't matter because it is hard. At least for me. And when I climbed up to mount the thing, which is a rope climb except it's horizontal, I looked at Renee who also looked unsure and flat out told her if she wanted to skip it I would skip it with her. But then Connie is flying across it, and Cassandra is going through it telling me to just fucking do it already and I thought you know what? If drunk and hungover 20somethings can do this shit on that Road Rules/Real World Challenge show, then by god I can do this sober. My strategy ended up being to go sideways. I went sideways and dragged my ass. And I made it. I am 99% sure that this obstacle alone is why my back, shoulder blades and arms were sore the next two days.
Amaze Yourself. This is basically a bungee rope maze. What you also cannot prepare for is the sensation of having a bungee slap you in the face or the vagina. That hurts. There is no other way to describe being slapped in the vagina with a bungee.
Dirty Dancing: Hands down, the most fun obstacle. You climb up a HUGE inflatable slide which has water running down it so you will fly down it. A word of advice: close your eyes and your mouth. Also? Try to turn sideways. What happened to me is that I did not turn sideways so my feet hit the bottom and it propelled me forward and I fell almost on my face in a mud pit. Because oh yes, there is a mud pit at the end. I had mud in my ears, nose, mouth, and eyes. We're what? 4 days out from the race and still in the morning I have dirt in the corners of my eyes. Thank god for Renee having a dry spot on her shirt and thank god she is not weirded out by me rubbing my face on her shirt. (Thanks, Renee. I feel closer to you already.)
You Go Girl. This is like high stepping through tires, but it's inflatable. Beware- this is not for short people. Some of us flew through it, others (*cough* ME *cough*) went slower because my legs don't lift that high and I very much did not want to fall on my face. Like the girl behind me. So glad I wasn't here. Dang.
Down & Dirty: What is different about this army crawl through mud is that unlike the first one? This one had a tarp over it. So if you are claustrophobic in any way, this one might be tough. I'm not one to get freaked out but the small space combined with the foul smell of the mud, and trying to not get kicked in the face made this is really hard. I also tried not to kick the person ahead of me. But the mud is also not beach sand, it's like dirt. With rocks and random shit in it so you will scuff up your knees, elbows, hands, etc.
H20MG: This is basically you climbing into a garbage dumpster, walking through waist deep mud and then climbing out.
Runaway Bride: At this point, there were more and more spectators watching because we were getting to the end, but no Matt. This one apparently changes with each venue and you can tell it's like random extra obstacles they have. We climbed over two smallish board things, under a really low bar and something else. I was so winded and just didn't want to make an ass out of myself at the end.
The very last one doesn't have a name, but it's a huge mud pit you army crawl through while people watch.
Fortunately, Matt did not get a picture of me when my tank top and bra were hanging down from the weight of the mud and I pretty much flashed the marines handing out water.
The real treat are the showers. Nothing could have prepared me for what I have now dubbed the Tent of Horrors. I'm not going to lie, I am not a prude by any means, but I did kind of expect a little privacy. Not a communal tent with hoses. You shower off with hoses that are pumping out freezing water. I put my bag of clean clothes in the middle, only dry area on the floor, and I stood in horror.
Almost everyone was stark naked.
Now I don't like to be dirty either but I also know that nobody wants to see me and my post two kids self. My boobs sag, I have an inner tube around me, and I have a badonkey donk. So instead, I was stubborn and thinking I could just clean myself off clothes on. So Renee and Cassandra got to a hose first so Connie and I stood there waiting for a hose behind two women would were taking their sweet ass time.
And the look on Connie's face as these women are bending over and flashing their stuff is, to this day, hilarious. I will grow old with dementia and I will remember the look on her face. What I also won't forget is the one woman's nipples. I cannot emphasize how cold this water was because it was freezing and she looked like she had pacifiers on her chest. You could not help but stare because my nipples surely do not do that.
But the most horrifying thing? Is that they were washing their vaginas with the hose and the water splashing off their vaginas hit us in the face. And I may have yelled, "OHMYGOD" and while my mouth was open, water went into it.
I am pretty sure I swallowed vagina back splash.
It was disgusting. I was horrified.
Then I got my turn at the hose. I quickly realized washing off with hose water is kind of a joke. I also then decided to fuck it all and I took of my tank top, leaving my bra on. I did not clean my boob area well enough and that turned out to suck later on. I tried my best to get my legs as clean as I could but it's really a futile effort. I'm always torn between getting a job done or hurrying up to deal with the consequences because there was a line of people behind me. I hate being that asshole holding everyone up. So I basically said fuck it.
It was then that I realized I had forgotten a towel. My amazing packing skills failed me. I had to use a sweatshirt. I also decided I could not walk in wet workout pants so I changed into my cotton skirt and got the hell out of there without looking at anything. Eyes to the ground, people.
Outside, mud and water started coming from places and running down my leg so I effectively looked like I had a case of the runs and it was coming down my leg. I don't think I have ever felt so gross in my life. I also decided that riding home 2 1/2 hours in wet underwear was not going to happen, so I did what any girl would do.
Change my underwear next to the merchandise tent. I did have an awkward moment where I started laughing for no reason, while leaning on Matt, holding my filthy underwear. Thankfully I was able to get my shit together before I fell over and look like a drunk with my underwear pulled down.
I'm sure Matt, Cassandra, Renee and Connie were appreciative of this as well.
We didn't hang around because we were all tired and I had a long drive home, so we got on the bus to head home. Once back in the parking lot, we walked so far to the car. I had no idea we had parked that far down. But I decided I was going to go braless on the way home because I was sunburned on my shoulders and neck and it was rubbing. So I get in the car and proceed to take of my bra when I hear a sickening "plop" noise.
Oh yes, because this is why you spend more time rinsing your boob area- otherwise mud will plop in your car. And your car will smell foul from the mud. Life lesson, folks. Life lesson.
So overall? I had a blast. I really did. I thought I would hate it. I thought I would skip an obstacle, but I didn't. It's certainly not my best 5K time (about 90 minutes), but considering I took my time over obstacles so I wouldn't fall and hurt myself and there was a line at some of them so we had to wait for our turn, I feel like this was a good time. I'm proud of myself. I felt like I did a good job and so did the other girls. And I'm not kidding, this would be hard to do alone. If I didn't have those three ladies with me, I would have tossed in the towel and threw deuces because it was hard.
Am I signing up for next year? Absolutely. My advice is to go with friends, wear shoes that are worn down to nothing because they will be ruined (you can donate them at the end), and wear clothing that is as tight to you as possible. Anything less will hang from the weight of mud and you will flash spectators. And be prepared for the showers.