I went for a walk around the really sad mall in Superior with a friend tonight. You see, I am feeling kind of fat and honestly- I've had the urge to run (gasp!!) or do something because I can, and should, be doing better. I've eaten like crap lately and I'll be honest- seeing so many of my friends being fit and skinny on Facebook is making me feel like a fat cow. You're quietly shaming me, and it's not your fault, and I kind of appreciate it.
But my friend and I talked about this and somehow the whole Maria Kang vs. Curvy Girl thing was brought up and she is very pro Curvy Girl, anti Maria Kang. And while it's easy to hate on Maria Kang and her skinny ass and her whole "What's Your Excuse?" campaign, I kind of can't.
Look- I'm not skinny. I never will be. I have boobs, I have a bubble butt, I have a kangaroo pouch I have had since freaking puberty so I can't even blame that on my children, and I'm just not genetically built to be a size zero. But at the same time, I'm not dumb enough to be thinking that my current weight is OK. In fact, it's not. I'm 5'3 and I'm 182. I'm considered obese. Now, do I look like I'm going to fall over with a heart attack? Am I leaning on walls to walk down a hallway, avoiding stairs because I can't do them, or wheezing? No to all of that. When I go to the doctor do my labs and other tests indicate I'm not healthy? No.
Just because I look healthy, doesn't mean I am. I know I'm overweight. I know I should be doing better and I can be doing better.
I'm choosing not to because I'm lazy.
Do I hate how I look? No. I think I look just fine. If I could choose to wake up tomorrow with a flat stomach and thighs that don't jiggle- I would.
I think it's wrong to fat shame someone. We don't know their physical limitations that prevent them from running around the block a few times. (Unless of course they are wearing too short of shorts or god forbid, white leggings as pants, because that is wrong.) But at the same time, it's very dangerous to make it seem OK to be fat. To say, "I'm big and proud!". Well, why? Why are you proud? Is it your way of giving skinny people the finger? Because that's just as bad as fat shaming. I'm all for good self esteem and embracing the way that you are, but there is a real difference between a bigger girl versus 300 pounds. I don't care what you say, 300 pounds is not healthy to anyone. Ever.
And let me just say, I always give a giant eye roll to the people who will say they are emotional eaters. You know, when I'm feeling down I'll eat a couple of cookies. But by cookie number three, my brain is screaming at me that my thighs are growing by the second and I need to slow my roll. It's called self control. You are an adult, you need to act like it. But to eat emotionally, then complain about being large? You know what, I don't care.
I get annoyed at myself when I get up in the morning and think, "God DAMN my ass just jiggled four times. You fat ass." because I should just shut up. Not because I'm bullying myself but because I have a fat ass and I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. I don't compare myself to other women and use that to decide if I'm fat or not. I look in the mirror and I see the parts that keep moving when I stop. That right there is my basis for thinking I need to get a handle on my shit. And I will. Eventually. You remember a week ago that video about women going into a store seeing taglines of fat shaming that they say to themselves? And they break down into tears thinking, "my god, I'm bullying myself"? I hated it. Because if I'm shopping with my friend and I come out in jeggings, I want my friend to tell me no. Tell me no, because a muffin top doesn't look good on anyone, and get me a larger size. You know why? Because I don't want to go out looking like an asshole that ends up on a People of Walmart site. I don't take it as "oh god, she's making fun of me" or "I hate myself. I'm going to eat three bowls of ice cream to soothe my sads". I take it as, "maybe she's right and I'll get the next size up. I'm glad my friend is honest with me." That's the whole point of bringing reinforcements when you shop- sometimes you need an honest opinion.
But at least I have a legitimate excuse. I really want to go walking and running outside- I prefer that over a treadmill, but it's really cold. I know I can buy the gear to go out into the cold but I don't even own a proper winter coat nor snow boots. I really hate winter, I hate it even when I'm bundled up. I get upset if I have to park far in the lot so I'm walking more than a car length to the door. So in the winter, I feel like I have that excuse I can use. Not in the nice weather though, that's just me being incredibly lazy.
Anyways. I will say that with 36D boobs and a bubble ass, I feel angry when I go into Victoria's Secret and their full coverage bras are in fact, not full coverage, they are more 3/4. Then to buy cute lingerie? Um, no. Most of the time the store doesn't even carry anything over a large and even an XL when you buy it online is ill fitting. So in that case- I do appreciate places like Curvy Girl because even when I do lose weight, my boobs and ass go nowhere. It'd be nice to fit in somewhere.
So I think it's OK to be fat. I just think you should try to do better. Don't be fat and think, "meh- good enough". Be fat and active. Get out there and exercise. Stop eating shit. To my credit, I now have a treadmill, elliptical and a gazelle in my basement. I'm going to use them. Maybe not every day, but I'm hoping once I get into a routine I'll get better. If only through the winter until I can get out and run again. I've got big plans for myself for 2014 and I hope this is my year.