Before I get into my post about seemingly pregnant men, let's announce the winner of a copy of the book Perfect. Winner drawn is.... #7...... LisaMarie! YAY! So I will email you so the book can get to you soon.
I've been doing a lot of projects that have required me to venture out into society, and Walmart, a lot. I mean, I really hate Walmart. I avoid it as much as possible, low prices or not. I never get through checkout in a timely fashion, it always smells, I'm bombarded with people in their pajamas, or really fat people who didn't get the memo that leggings are not pants, and people who generally just make no effort at all to handle their acne.
But this week? This week I have been there SIX times.
My options aren't super in this town, if Target doesn't have it then I'm forced to go to Walmart. Unless I want to drive to Duluth, which isn't a complete nightmare, but it's a pain in the ass. It's never a quick trip and I always get lured by stores I cannot afford and then I somehow end up in Barnes & Noble with a stack of books. I swear, I think I really black out and I always snap to life somewhere during the checkout process.
So I've been to Walmart. And you know what is the new epidemic? Men who look pregnant. Like clear beer gut that looks like they are going to pass a child any second. Some of these men are larger than me when I was pregnant and I was big. Both times. Which I'm not fat shaming- if you look pregnant, good for you. Just, it's not healthy at all, but you do you.
What you need to stop doing is pretending that you wear the same size pants. Because you don't. I know the worst part of getting fat is that realization that none of your pants fit. Listen, it happens to me. A lot. I need to stop throwing out my fat girl pants because inevitably, I'm standing outside Lane Bryant thinking I need to stop eating because this is my next stop. But the difference between me and pregnant men (and let's face it, a good chunk of the ladies out there... ahem) is that I am not in denial. I know that just because I lower the waist band of my pants to the point where they do fit does not make me look thinner. In fact, you look larger. You look far more pregnant.
The worst is when guys, bless your hearts, tuck their shirts into their pants. I see this strategy being worked out as one, they look like they made more of an effort with their outfit. And that's appreciated. But two, they are at the same time, covering their ass crack. Also appreciated because their pants are worn so low that without that strategically tucked shirt, we'd have walking plumber's crack.
Men? It's not OK. It's just not OK. Either get yourself on a diet and lay of the beers, or buy pants that actually fit around your waist. Like where your actual waist is. A good rule of thumb? The back pockets of your pants should not be near the back of your knees. If you could be considered as "sagging" if you had your underwear pulled up? You really aren't any better even if your shirt is tucked in.
I'm starting to think that there needs to be a group of women who hold meetings and single men can just come and get some help. I would never let Matt leave the house with pants like this. We're going to have a coming to Jesus talk about his dress pants which, bless his heart, do not fit him. He thinks he's wearing them to the Father Daughter Ball and he is so wrong. He needs the next size up and as someone who faces this harsh reality often, I will have to counsel him through this. But there are lots of guys out there who are clearly single and need help. We need to end the pregnant man epidemic.
Ladies- you aren't immune to this either. Some of you need to just try harder. I'm not skinny by any means, but if I put on a pair of pants that makes my stomach grow? I change. If I am wearing a shirt where you can see my stomach and how it is very much not flat? I either add a layer or change all together. You look a lot thinner if you just buy the next size up. Seriously. It's going to be OK.
With all of that said- my exercise routine? Holy shit it needs to start back up. Seriously, lambs. My size 12 pants are getting a big snug and that can't be. I have a natural bubble butt but even that is getting into Kim Kardashian-very-fake-and-injected-territory. We can't have that. So tonight I started on my elliptical and Gazelle in the basement. A half hour later and I'm sweaty.
The real bummer is that my treadmill doesn't turn on. Now, it could be the treadmill, but it could also be the outlet it's plugged into. This house has electrical issues and clearly was wired by either a drunk or a blind man, but that's for another day. I am now signed up for two 5K's this year and I have 3 more I want to sign up for, so I need to get this shit moving. I was my thinnest (size 10!) when I was running or walking every night so I need to get cracking.