Well. Today I am officially 32. I actually celebrated with an epic weekend out of town which I'll dutifully report on at some point this week, probably tomorrow. It was easily the best time I've had in a LONG time with one of my favorite blog friends ever. Today I worked and when I came home we went out to dinner and then had cake at home. I got a few presents, all of them awesome, and overall? It's a great birthday.
I just hate to be such a downer. I have always been that person that totally loved their birthday and believed in fully celebrating another year of life and thoughtfully looked forward to the next year and what it might bring. I am typically not that girl that obsesses over aging and I don't consider myself to be vain at all. I like to look pretty, but it doesn't take precedent over my day and I am totally that girl that will go makeup free into the world because sometimes I just don't care enough to make the effort.
Today felt different. Maybe it's because I've been sick for the majority of this year so far, maybe it's because I feel like I'm falling apart even though I'm not, I don't know. I just feel meh about my birthday. And that alone? Is kind of upsetting. I don't want to be meh about my birthday. I want to party hard. I want to have a tiara, cupcakes, balloons, the whole works. I feel like such a downer on my own birthday today.
I know in the large scheme of things, 32 is nothing. This is an age I'll look back on in 10 years and remember how good I had it. I won't lie though, knowing I now need eye cream for droopy eyelids and bras with a lot of extra lift because things are going a little more south than they should be at this age? Is really hard. And I hate to even say that because ugh, I'm not that girl. I have never been that girl to care really about what I look like and I don't know why all of a sudden I'm staring at myself in the mirror and noticing things changing. Again, years from now I'm going to watch to bitch slap my 32 year old self for being a whiny brat, I know this.
Even Matt commented about how I'm not really fired up about my birthday. Usually I demand there at least be a balloon involved. I wouldn't say no to crepe paper streamers and party blower things. My birthday also kind of creeped up on me this year and being sick I didn't really feel like planning anything out with local friends. I feel like maybe I'll plan a night out and whoever can come should and worst case scenario, at least my super close friends will come and I'll have a little night out. We'll see.
I also recognize that this might actually be a cross of daylight savings time, being exhausted, having a lot on my plate and the fact winter is dragging its ass and I feel like it won't ever end. I just want sunshine, grass, and capri pants. I don't feel like that is asking too much, right?? *sigh*