Monday, March 17, 2014

My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag... and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha

You know how there are some people out there that are meant to be your best friend soul mate? I believe Jolie Kerr is one of mine. I just... I just heart her, you know?

My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag... and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha - Jolie Kerr
My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag . . . and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha
Life is filled with spills, odors, and those oh-so embarrassing stains you just can’t tell your parents about. And let’s be honest: no one is going to ask Martha Stewart what to do when your boyfriend barfs in your handbag.
 
Thankfully, Jolie Kerr has both staggering cleaning knowledge and a sense of humor. With signature sass and straight talk, Jolie takes on questions ranging from the basic—how do I use a mop? —to the esoteric—what should I do when bottles of home brewed ginger beer explode in my kitchen? My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag proves that even the most nightmarish cleaning conundrums can be solved with a smile, the right supplies, and a little music.


I am going to tell you right now that if you know anyone who is graduating  high school, moving out on their own the first time, getting married, really disgustingly filthy, or is maybe a hoarder? Perfect gift idea! You need to get them this book. And if you're cheap (and careful) you can also read it but don't pull the pages super wide open and make a crease in the spine otherwise it'll look like a second hand book and then you look really cheap. 

I am a very clean person. Except for all of February and the first half of March when I was sick, I have myself on a pretty tight cleaning schedule. I do certain things on certain days and I do them every week. I don't have clutter on my counters, I want everything up off the floor, everything has a home. If it doesn't have a home, other things must go (donate/trash/yard sale) so that they will have a home. I am not that person with a "toy room" and kid crap everywhere. Never was, never will be. By 18 months, both kids understood mommy is not playing when she says pick toys up- they did it. I don't mess around. 

But even still, I loved this book. A lot of it I already do, but there was quite a bit I wasn't doing as often as I should (shameful) and a few areas where I've been working FAR too hard. Cleaning ceiling fans with a pillow case? Where the hell has this been my whole life?? You fail me, Pinterest. You fail me. I'll be honest and say I've never cleaned my hair dryer before yesterday, but lambs? I did it. I did it today and I felt like a freaking champion. With a clean hair dryer nobody else cares about but it's seriously like new. NEW, I tell you. 

Hands down, the chapter that excited me the most? How to clean my car. 

Stop it, don't roll your eyes at me. 

I clean the outside a lot. I vacuum it, I wipe stuff down but it's never perfect. Gideon (my car) needs a little extra love. And if you know anything about Minnesota/Wisconsin winters its that they are brutal on vehicles. I can't clean out the inside properly for months and by April I can barely get in it without feeling disgusting. But the time is coming soon where I get to be out in my drive way just cleaning everything out, and I already have products at the ready for Gids. He's going to be so happy. As will I when I am driving with my windows down in a fully clean vehicle. I don't think I'm properly emoting how much I love that vision right now. My heart feels gleeful. 

Anyways. 

You need this book in your life. A TON of great tips plus it's a hilarious read. Plus, the last chapter? Here are gems you'll read in it: 

  • Lube stains on sheets, sure. 
  • Shit happens. Hopefully not on your sheets but if it does...
  • By comparison, pee stains on mattresses seem positively charming. (No they don't). 
  • Semen stains, because someone had to ask. 
  • Those sex toys aren't going to clean themselves, sweet cheeks. 
  • Harness care- and stop acting so shocked!
  • Diva Cake! (how to clean your Diva Cup)
  • Stoners can be clean people too, you know
  • Bong water on the carpet
  • Speaking of smoking
  • The curious case of boy smell
  • The Jizzeliner
  • My boyfriend barfed in my handbag
Those chapters alone? Life lessons we could ALL use. You might need all of these in one weekend depending on the kind of life style you're dealing with. I mean, I won't judge you, but you better be at least clean. Dang. 

It's a great book,  it's hilarious, Jolie is the best friend she doesn't even know she is, and I cleaned my house like a mofo this weekend. WIN. 

2 comments:

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Wow! this does sound like one hilarious book. :)

heathertlc said...

I can think of several chapters that might have VERY good info in them ...

Thanks for this great review for the tour! I'm featuring it on TLC's Facebook page today.