A few months ago we kind of rough planned out that she would come here for my birthday, it would be epic, and we would essentially be bad asses and hopefully not land in jail. We didn't land in jail, but we maybe saw a crime scene and a horror movie location, oogled a guy with hair plugs, ate cheese curds and drove for fucking hours to essentially see what could be on a top 10 list of worst cities of America.
All in a span of three god damn days!
So it starts on Thursday. I worked for a bit in the morning and then went to pick her up from the airport. Her husband had concerns that I might actually be a balding middle aged man with white Hanes briefs as my primary outfit. I think the fact I was late picking her up courtesy of every single traffic light, an accident on the bridge and a fucking train probably didn't help? But I got there and thankfully, she turned out to not be a balding middle aged man with white Hanes briefs as her primary outfit. Not that Matt expressed any concern, but at least 15 of my friends and my mother did. They kept texting to make sure that I was indeed alive and well and not gagged in the back of a rapist van.
But then, like a moron, I remembered I had forgotten to print out the tickets to a concert so I drove all the way back to work so we could do this. The plan was to see Kings of Leon in Minneapolis on Thursday, drive to Rockford, Illinois on Friday, do something there, then drive into Chicago on Saturday and see Kings of Leon again, then immediately after the concert drive eight hours on a virtually empty highway in the dark on almost no sleep.
At the time, this made perfect sense. We aren't old and we've got this.
So we drive to the cities and check into our hotel, which was super busy by the time we got there. I have been known to stay in questionable locations. I swear to god, no matter what the star rating is, the reviews or the pictures, if there is a shit room in the building I will always get it. I will just say from here on out, I apologize because I seriously am starting to think anyone who shares a room with me will suffer and it's my fault. I don't know what it is about me that attracts losers and filthy rooms but dammit.
So we went out to eat at a restaurant pretty close to the concert venue that I usually go to, which also ended up being pretty busy. We also got a waitress who we are pretty certain was drunk. Our food was fine but when I asked for extra pickles she brought me a plate of pickles. Like a plate of pickle spears. It was really awkward and kind of weird. She also clearly wanted to be our friend. In hindsight, maybe she was actually hitting on us? Hmm..
So after that? We went to the Kings of Leon concert. Which, I don't know if you know this, but I'm a pretty huge fan. Like super huge. I will just say right now I am so disappointed that Caleb has done something to his head. He was clearly balding just a few years ago and suddenly he has hair. Which automatically makes me hate his model wife because why be judgey like that? You knew he was balding when you started dating. *sigh* Then Shirley completely busted any hopes I had to being a first wife to any one of them because Jared got married. *sigh* So now I have to be a home wrecker. Which, I don't want to be but I love me those men. I will say, I think Matthew has lost a little too much weight and needs to grow the hair out a bit because his ears look too big, but I'd over look it because if he can play guitar with his mouth, that can only mean good things, right?
After the concert, we drove back to the hotel and got some sleep. Friday was to be a big travel day driving from the cities to Rockford, which looked like a big dot on the map. We judge things by the size of dot and Rockford looked promising.
So the next day we started our drive. I think I impressed Shirley with Wisconsin's highway system being surrounded by adult superstores, firecracker superstores and cheese house places. Because dude- she's never had a cheese curd!!
We obviously stopped.
But on to Rockford!
As it turns out, Rockford is a gigantic dump of a city. I don't even want to to call it a city, it's like a dirty big town, really. It's kind of disappointing. Also disappointing was the fact that as we got closer to our hotel it was becoming incredibly clear that the hotel likely wasn't going to be as described on the Internet.
Then I shouted out that there was a Beef-a-Roo!!!!
I'm going to tell you about the nightmare hotel and the second half of the trip tomorrow. But what you need to know for the closing of this post:
- Shirley + Sara 4 Eva
- Shirley = Team NeYo, Sara = Team Usher. We broke up on the Illinois border because of this.
- But made up when we realized we pretty much are identical and like all of the same things because this would make kidnapping famous men a little easier.
- Especially if we had a human trafficking van over a rapist van.
- So long as we had enough quarters to drive on the roads because toll booths are everywhere.
- Which doesn't feel as wrong as people from Arizona having to pay for air for their god damn tires.
- Plus Shirley didn't die from the cold though she came close on her last day.
More tomorrow. Swearsies.