You know that saying that God won't ever give you more than you can handle? I think that statement right there really seals the deal when I say I don't believe. If that were truly the case, I feel like my life would be a lot less insane. I feel like I wouldn't go to bed every night wondering what in the hell I was going to do. Here are some things weighing on me, just this week:
- I know he's just a naturally little guy, and he eats a LOT, but damn.... Jackson is little. He just had his six year old checkup and he literally is only 38 pounds. Both of my kids are really light, skinny and short- they have the same build I did when I was a child. He's 100% healthy and normal but still, he's so little. Not that I wish he'd grow faster, I just wish I could fatten him up a little bit.
- I had my check up with OB in regards to maybe having menopause, or the early stages. Good news, it's not that. Bad news, I was sent immediately for a whole load of blood draws checking various things. I also have a pelvic ultrasound on May 13 with an appointment right after with my primary OB (I normally see a Nurse Practitioner for regular checkups). The NP told me it could be one of three things: just really bizarre hormone levels that are off for various reasons, cysts or other not-supposed-to-be-there things on my girl parts, or cancer. I might even hear back tomorrow what my labs look like if anything stands out. If not, I'll get a report on those on the 13th.
- My face hurts. I'm not going to lie, waiting until June for surgery now seems like a really stupid thing to do. I really kind of wish I could bump it up, but there isn't a good time to do that. Not that June is ideal either, but ugh. I don't know if I'll make it. I also have no idea how I'm going to pay for it either, so there's that.
- With starting school full time in the fall, I'm really trying to figure out what I could let go of as far as responsibility goes. I have a few volunteer positions I do and while I could get rid of those or just really reduce my role in them, I don't want to. I might complain a lot, but when I weigh the pros and cons of each, I really do enjoy it overall. I've got big decisions to make on that front.
- I worry about Olivia at school. I really struggle watching her struggle with friends and just, community relationships. In my head I know it's best to step back and let her figure her way through it. That's the only way kids learn how to handle interpersonal relationships. In my heart, I hate seeing her upset and confused and I want to just fix it. But I can't.
- I really need to win the lottery so I can get Matt his vasectomy. Honest to god, I can't get on birth control until whatever is happening with my lady bits is settled, and it is just really awful having to use alternative methods to not have a baby. Because there is always those oopsie moments where things don't work as advertised, and you find yourself at the pharmacy shelling out almost $50 for a hopeful fix that baby #3 doesn't arrive. We can't afford that. It's very stressful, this whole thing.
- I am really getting frustrated with lazy people in my life. I try not to be lazy, and I try to really do everything I can to help myself out and I look around and I see just.... a lot of irresponsible people around me. I can't even cut them out because they're family or close friends but damn. It's frustrating to be having legitimate issues I'm dealing with (some I won't even share on my blog because I'm not quite ready), and they just refuse to help themselves. They just hold out hoping the bare minimum will get them by and here I am- just busting my ass trying to move our family forward. It's frustrating. It makes me wonder why I try so hard.
So that's just a few things. It's hard being a grown up, nobody tells you this is the kind of stuff you'll worry about all of the time. And maybe it's just me. I sometimes wonder if I've inherited my mom's worrying gene.