Before I even start this, I will just say up front I absolutely have an appointment with the OB/GYN because enough people have scared me over the last five days. So calm down.
I haven't been on birth control in oh.... three years since I have high blood pressure nobody wants to do anything about and I'll probably have a heart attack soon. So I know it's not that screwing me up. But since not being on that my periods have been really light, maybe only three days tops. I didn't complain because hello- that's amazing and I have almost no menstrual symptoms and I just figured this is just the perk of having kids and my body saying maybe I've suffered enough.
Then cue it to the last six months. I'll get my period for a day or two, it goes away for five days or so, starts up with a fucking vengeance and I feel like I'm being stabbed all day. Last month I felt like I was legitimately having some kind of bizarre ovary attack where it was revolting against itself.
Then it's gone for two weeks.
Then comes back.
It's some kind of special bullshit is what it is. It's really over the top.
So naturally, I went onto WebMd and listed all of my symptoms. My list of possible things wrong with me are:
Anorexia (I ate 3 Twinkies and 4 slices of pizza and a taco salad today. I have crossed this one off.)
Foreign Object in Vagina (both ben wa balls are accounted for, I've crossed this one off.)
Tuberculosis (I'm just crossing this off because it doesn't seem right.)
Now, the odds clearly say cancer might be a for real thing. BUT, I'm leaning towards perimenopause. This winter poor Matt complained we might die of hypothermia because I have been sleeping with the fan on all night and sometimes the window open even when it was 50 degrees below zero because I literally thought I was going to melt away. Also not awesome is the last two weeks? Can't sleep for anything. I feel like I'm exhausted but nothing happens. I'm not even tired during the day, I feel like I can fully function on a lot less sleep than usual, which is really odd.
The only alarming thing is that I'm only 32. I mean, statistically it's completely possible for this to be a plausible thing. But holy hell. I feel really young to be having to deal with this. Granted, maybe not having periods anymore is something kind of awesome to look forward to but I thought for sure I had another decade before worrying about this. Dang.
There really needs to be a "What to Expect: Aging" book for women. Maybe that will be my book. I'll document this all and then I'll get famous and talk about vagina dryness, mood swings and hot flashes. According to the list on WebMD, these things are coming. *shudder*