Today I had my follow up appointment with my doctor. I ended up going alone because Matt preferred to go to work, which is a rant for another day. Needless to say, if there was ever a day that I could have used someone with me, it was obviously today.
I'm going to be incredibly vague about what is currently happening, because I don't really know what I'm going to do yet and I need some time to just mentally process it all and get to a place where I feel like I'm making the best choice for us as a family. I also have a couple of follow up appointments in the next couple of weeks that will fill in the holes and answer some questions I have.
But earlier today I just decided that whatever force rules things in the universe really likes to mess with me. Absolutely nothing can be easy, everything has to be completely uphill all of the time, and no matter what I do- nothing ever is done like I planned. It's like I no longer have any control over my own life. Every single precaution I take is basically for nothing. It doesn't matter, why don't I just say fuck it all and stop trying because it doesn't actually matter. If the universe wants me to do something, it doesn't matter what I do- it'll happen.
Right now, I have a fairly major decision to make. The result of the decision basically has two outcomes, neither of which are ideal. And it sounds terrible and selfish, but I'm kind of angry I'm being faced with this. I'm paranoid, and I'm scared. I'm not ready and Matt is basically not helping me make any decisions and that makes it really hard right now. I don't know what to tell the kids. I don't know what this means for our family long term. I don't know what this means as far as me going back to school. I don't know what is going to happen at all. I know things will turn out the way they need to be and it'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine.
I just don't know why life needs to bitch slap me from time to time.
I can't wait to tell you what's going on. Just know I vomited on a doctor when I found out the result of my appointment. Not only did I vomit on the doctor, I burst into tears. I almost got hit by a car on my way across the street because I essentially ran out of the building and I can't even tell you the route I took to work because I don't remember it at all.
I'm exhausted and confused. I'm just going to sleep on it and see what happens. *sigh*