So, we know I'm pregnant.
We know I didn't have a great reaction and Matt's wasn't any better.
Immediately when I got home I got the kids organized with homework and dinner, and I had a friend coming over so I could help her with her resume. I think I did a pretty good job of holding it together, I don't remember crying during any of it. By the time she had gone home, and I had gotten the kids into bed, I was pretty emotionally drained. I knew Matt and I had to discuss what we were going to do. It's not just what we were going to do with a baby, there are several aspects of our life to consider.
*We have two kids, ages 8 and 6. I am not loving the age gap between the two younger ones.
*We have NO baby stuff. We had gotten rid of it all years ago because we weren't going to have more.
*We have Matt's sister living with us, she'd have to leave because we'll obviously need that room.
*What are the kids going to say, think, feel? I owe it to them to be considerate of their feelings as well.
*Can I even handle another pregnancy?
*What if I have post partum depression again? I honestly don't think our marriage can handle it again.
We had discussions on whether abortion or adoption were options. I discounted adoption immediately- I couldn't see a way to explain this to Olivia and Jackson and not have it negatively impact them. I think no matter what you say, they will see it as "shape up or ship out like your brother/sister". I can't do that to them, no matter what it means for me.
The very same day I found out I was pregnant, I found out someone very close to me was expecting a baby in November. I'm due sometime in January. To me, that puts abortion off the table. I can't look at that baby and not think of what could have been. I would feel guilty and I don't know that I could emotionally handle that.
So that brings me to keeping it. And I'm going to be honest with you, never in my life have I felt more like I had no control of my own life. I feel like I never even had an actual choice. It's like the universe's way of forcing me into this. It feels cruel and like a punishment. Matt says I shouldn't worry- there's always a chance I could miscarry, I'm only six weeks- anything could happen. I feel like it would be a relief, but there's a really small part of me that would feel sad. I try to focus more on that small part because it helps.
I have good days where I think, oooh- baby stuff! Babies are squishy and cute and I want to bite their feet! Then I have days where I cry alone in my car to/from work, in the shower, and to sleep. And it makes me feel like a really terrible person. I feel guilty and ashamed and I feel like I should be excited all of the time. I feel terrible to feel like I'm really lucky to have a baby, one that somehow, someway made it despite TWO forms of birth control, and I have friends who just can't and my heart breaks for them. Then I feel guilty because someday, this baby will be born and I know it's unreasonable and stupid- but what if I feel nothing? What if I just feel indifferent? I want to love it, I want to be happy, I want to be excited and I'm so frustrated it just hasn't happened. I hate that I worry about everything to the point it sucks the fun out of things.
I bought a baby sleeper yesterday, thinking maybe having baby things around would help me get excited. Instead, I cried in the aisle at Target. It is cute though, a little white and yellow one with bunnies on the feet.
I'm sick of people telling me, "just see the positive", "you wanted this", "just get it together already". It's like, if I could snap my fingers and have it come together, I would. I would do it non stop just to make it so. I don't want to feel this way. I hate this.
At this point, Matt said he's on board with keeping it, and he's kind of excited. We hadn't planned on telling the kids until closer to twelve weeks, but Olivia saw the ultrasound from yesterday's appointment and loudly declared, "Mom's having a baby!!!". Both kids were pretty stinking excited. My sister in law has moved out and the room is already cleaned up and painted. I'm only officially 6 weeks and 3 days but they couldn't see a heartbeat on the ultrasound yet. I have to go back next week so they can see that and then we go from there with my regularly scheduled prenatal appointments. It's really weird because if you had asked me last week I would have called a miscarriage a mixed blessing, but this week... I feel a little more attached and I think I would be sad. It's such a weird spot to be in because I'm so up and down. I feel like a ping pong ball and hourly I feel differently.
It also means that I have to drop out of school. I cannot realistically do college classes in my last trimester of pregnancy and still be a good mom and wife to my family. I can do a lot of things, but I know that would be a huge stretch. Spring is out as well because my due date is when classes start. It is really disappointing to see that dream fade away. If I'm being realistic, the chances of me having a job that would make that degree financially worthwhile is slim. I knew that, and with the ages of my kids I was OK with that. Now I have a third coming into the mix and I'm not naive- I know what this will mean to us financially as a family. I can't in good conscious spend money we aren't going to have on an education that isn't going to benefit us all. I hate that. It makes me sad and I haven't officially dropped my classes yet because I don't know if I can possibly handle it right now. I have until August to pull that trigger but I will.
As of right now, I feel more like I have a really bad flu versus pregnant. I've never had morning sickness before and I've definitely got it now. I'm still on my antibiotic for a bone infection and they told me to stick with that, so I am. I feel kind of achy, I'm exhausted all of the time, I have super sonic smell, and I'm starving all of the time. So, in that regard I'm pregnant. The baby doubled in size from last week so even without an official heartbeat, it's doing its baby thing in there.
I know I might get backlash for posts like this. I don't write it because I want attention, or for people to feel sorry for me. I write it because it's true. There are people out there in the same boat as me and you aren't alone. Pregnancy isn't always the happiest time of your life and you aren't a terrible person if you feel that way. We all have different paths. Who knows what this means for me- maybe this kid will grow up to cure cancer or something. Maybe there is something better heading my way and the universe is trying to get me to see it.