Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Slight hope dangles on a string.

So, we know I'm pregnant.

We know I didn't have a great reaction and Matt's wasn't any better.

Immediately when I got home I got the kids organized with homework and dinner, and I had a friend coming over so I could help her with her resume. I think I did a pretty good job of holding it together, I don't remember crying during any of it. By the time she had gone home, and I had gotten the kids into bed, I was pretty emotionally drained. I knew Matt and I had to discuss what we were going to do. It's not just what we were going to do with a baby, there are several aspects of our life to consider.

*We have two kids, ages 8 and 6. I am not loving the age gap between the two younger ones.
*We have NO baby stuff. We had gotten rid of it all years ago because we weren't going to have more.
*We have Matt's sister living with us, she'd have to leave because we'll obviously need that room.
*What are the kids going to say, think, feel? I owe it to them to be considerate of their feelings as well.
*Can I even handle another pregnancy?
*What if I have post partum depression again? I honestly don't think our marriage can handle it again.

We had discussions on whether abortion or adoption were options. I discounted adoption immediately- I couldn't see a way to explain this to Olivia and Jackson and not have it negatively impact them. I think no matter what you say, they will see it as "shape up or ship out like your brother/sister". I can't do that to them, no matter what it means for me.

The very same day I found out I was pregnant, I found out someone very close to me was expecting a baby in November. I'm due sometime in January. To me, that puts abortion off the table. I can't look at that baby and not think of what could have been. I would feel guilty and I don't know that I could emotionally handle that.

So that brings me to keeping it. And I'm going to be honest with you, never in my life have I felt more like I had no control of my own life. I feel like I never even had an actual choice. It's like the universe's way of forcing me into this. It feels cruel and like a punishment. Matt says I shouldn't worry- there's always a chance I could miscarry, I'm only six weeks- anything could happen. I feel like it would be a relief, but there's a really small part of me that would feel sad. I try to focus more on that small part because it helps.

I have good days where I think, oooh- baby stuff! Babies are squishy and cute and I want to bite their feet! Then I have days where I cry alone in my car to/from work, in the shower, and to sleep. And it makes me feel like a really terrible person. I feel guilty and ashamed and I feel like I should be excited all of the time. I feel terrible to feel like I'm really lucky to have a baby, one that somehow, someway made it despite TWO forms of birth control, and I have friends who just can't and my heart breaks for them. Then I feel guilty because someday, this baby will be born and I know it's unreasonable and stupid- but what if I feel nothing? What if I just feel indifferent? I want to love it, I want to be happy, I want to be excited and I'm so frustrated it just hasn't happened. I hate that I worry about everything to the point it sucks the fun out of things.

I bought a baby sleeper yesterday, thinking maybe having baby things around would help me get excited. Instead, I cried in the aisle at Target. It is cute though, a little white and yellow one with bunnies on the feet.

I'm sick of people telling me, "just see the positive", "you wanted this", "just get it together already". It's like, if I could snap  my fingers and have it come together, I would. I would do it non stop just to make it so. I don't want to feel this way. I hate this.

At this point, Matt said he's on board with keeping it, and he's kind of excited. We hadn't planned on telling the kids until closer to twelve weeks, but Olivia saw the ultrasound from yesterday's appointment and loudly declared, "Mom's having a baby!!!". Both kids were pretty stinking excited. My sister in law has moved out and the room is already cleaned up and painted. I'm only officially 6 weeks and 3 days but they couldn't see a heartbeat on the ultrasound yet. I have to go back next week so they can see that and then we go from there with my regularly scheduled prenatal appointments. It's really weird because if you had asked me last week I would have called a miscarriage a mixed blessing, but this week... I feel a little more attached and I think I would be sad. It's such a weird spot to be in because I'm so up and down. I feel like a ping pong ball and hourly I feel differently.

It also means that I have to drop out of school. I cannot realistically do college classes in my last trimester of pregnancy and still be a good mom and wife to my family. I can do a lot of things, but I know that would be a huge stretch. Spring is out as well because my due date is when classes start. It is really disappointing to see that dream fade away. If I'm being realistic, the chances of me having a job that would make that degree financially worthwhile is slim. I knew that, and with the ages of my kids I was OK with that. Now I have a third coming into the mix and I'm not naive- I know what this will mean to us financially as a family. I can't in good conscious spend money we aren't going to have on an education that isn't going to benefit us all. I hate that. It makes me sad and I haven't officially dropped my classes yet because I don't know if I can possibly handle it right now. I have until August to pull that trigger but I will.

As of right now, I feel more like I have a really bad flu versus pregnant. I've never had morning sickness before and I've definitely got it now. I'm still on my antibiotic for a bone infection and they told me to stick with that, so I am. I feel kind of achy, I'm exhausted all of the time, I have super sonic smell, and I'm starving all of the time. So, in that regard I'm pregnant. The baby doubled in size from last week so even without an official heartbeat, it's doing its baby thing in there.

I know I might get backlash for posts like this. I don't write it because I want attention, or for people to feel sorry for me. I write it because it's true. There are people out there in the same boat as me and you aren't alone. Pregnancy isn't always the happiest time of your life and you aren't a terrible person if you feel that way. We all have different paths. Who knows what this means for me- maybe this kid will grow up to cure cancer or something. Maybe there is something better heading my way and the universe is trying to get me to see it.

12 comments:

Sunshine said...

I've been reading your blog a long time. I don't comment much but I felt the need to today. If ther is one thing I can take away from this whole blog is that you tell it like you see it, and make no apology if someone doesn't see it your way. This is your space and you should never apologize for it. While I haven't always agreed with your opinion, I sure as hell respect them. We are all giving the right to have our own. With that being said I give you a lot of credit for being real. These are your feelings, they are not sugar coated, they are not fake. You feel what you feel and here we are. Do I hope that you find a way to the "other side" sure, but thats not my journey to take so in the mean time, just know that you have love, support and well wishes from my computer screen to yours. Life does have a way of working out, and work out it will. Take care of yourself.

Sunshine said...

I've been reading your blog a long time. I don't comment much but I felt the need to today. If ther is one thing I can take away from this whole blog is that you tell it like you see it, and make no apology if someone doesn't see it your way. This is your space and you should never apologize for it. While I haven't always agreed with your opinion, I sure as hell respect them. We are all giving the right to have our own. With that being said I give you a lot of credit for being real. These are your feelings, they are not sugar coated, they are not fake. You feel what you feel and here we are. Do I hope that you find a way to the "other side" sure, but thats not my journey to take so in the mean time, just know that you have love, support and well wishes from my computer screen to yours. Life does have a way of working out, and work out it will. Take care of yourself.

Sunshine said...

I've been reading your blog a long time. I don't comment much but I felt the need to today. If there is one thing I can take away from this whole blog is that you tell it like you see it, and make no apology if someone doesn't see it your way. This is your space and you should never apologize for it. While I haven't always agreed with your opinion, I sure as hell respect them. We are all giving the right to have our own. With that being said I give you a lot of credit for being real. These are your feelings, they are not sugar coated, they are not fake. You feel what you feel and here we are. Do I hope that you find a way to the "other side" sure, but that's not my journey to take so in the mean time, just know that you have love, support and well wishes from my computer screen to yours. Life does have a way of working out, and work out it will. Take care of yourself.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

You are entitled to feel what you feel. You are pregnant, which means emotional & for every woman who feels overjoyed at the news there is one who feels blindsided by it & that isn't something you just 'get over' in a week. It's a process & it takes time. Tell 'em to fuck off, you're coping in your way on your time & it's nothing to do with them.
**hugs**

Kattrina said...

First, all those people who guessed you were pregnant are amazing because I TOTALLY didn't see this coming. At all. What a crazy turn of events. Even when my husband and I planned on having a baby, I found it terrifying, so I can't imagine how it must feel when it's not planned at all and it feels completely overwhelming. You are an amazing mom though and even if you feel like you don't 100% want this baby, this baby is still sooooo lucky to have you as his or her mom. And remember, there is help for Postpartum Depression - you can get help and it it can really help you feel better. So be upfront with your doctors and maybe schedule a few postpartum visits where you can talk to a midwife or something just in case you feel like it's coming back.

As for school - so you put it off for a little while. Don't say never. One day this baby will be 6 or 8 and your other kids will be teenagers and you can go back to it. You are never too old to go back to school or pursue your dreams. I am 34 and quitting my amazing job (with amazing benefits) to go back to school and this degree could take up to five years. So what. If I live to 80 my life isn't even half over yet - why stop dreaming already??

Although this might be along the lines of the "stay positive" advice you didn't want - when bad things happen to me (which they do, a lot, I just tend to avoid blogging about them because my mom reads my blog and I don't like her knowing everything about me), in my heart I believe two things: 1) everything will work out in the end, and 2) everything happens for a reason. Things may not work out the way I imagined them to and the reason things happen may not be clear for years and years (or ever), but I just have to believe that "the other road" was destined to disaster and although the "new road" may be really hard and seem impossible, it is the best road for me. I'm sure that sounds stupid and Pollyanna-ish, but it is what works for me. Because these little bumps in our lives only make up a small portion of our life and if we focus so much on the bumps we may never see the big picture. And although your "bump" will last for a really long time, hopefully this overwhelming feeling and fear will only last a short time. And if there is anything I can do to help or encourage you in any way - please, please let me know.

thotlady said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. Every experience is different. I have a good feeling you will figure this out.

Tamara said...

I think it's really brave of you to admit how you're feeling - and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Or feeling every other which way depending on what's going on in your mind/world that particular day. We wanted to have Lillie but when I found out I was pregnant I still felt mixed emotions because I knew things would change, and that's scary as fuck, but I couldn't say anything because how selfish is that - considering everyone who wants babies and can't have them? I can relate to you in that sense.
I really hate that you have to give up school. I have nothing to add to that other than that really sucks and if I were in your situation, I'd do the same thing.
Thinking of you & your family.

Susan said...

Love your honesty and don't ever feel bad for the way you feel....

And better you than me... ha haha ah

Susan said...

Love your honesty and don't ever feel bad for the way you feel...

And better you than me.... ha ahahah

♥ Drazil ♥ said...

No backlash here. It's refreshing to hear someone say it's not always instant joy when you find out you're pregnant. It may be hard to believe or read or hear but it's the freaking truth. And PPD is a damn scary thing and now that you know your history - your docs damn well better help you before that happens again. I wish you the best - nothing less.

FinnyKnits said...

I can't even begin to understand what you're going through with the pregnancy, or kids for that matter, but I hope you keep the dream of college alive.

It's never to late to go back. Seriously - I have been getting my second degree this last two years with some folks in their 60s and they're loving it just as much as I am and just as much as the twenty-somethings.

Hugs, sister. You're a fucking champ and an amazing mom. And after all of this, Matt is going to have to get you a goat.

Call it a push present.

Lin said...

Tell it like it is, good or bad, that's what I've always loved about your blog. You verbalizing your raw emotions are so damn brave and you should pat yourself on the shoulder for doing so.

Take the good days and put the bad one's behind you once they're gone. This baby can definitely be a good thing in your life :)

My advice: Keep a positive outlook whenever possible.