If you don't know where that post title came from, I question our friendship. I really do.
So the big reveal. Most of you have guessed it and have sent me well wishes via email or Facebook, and that's nice. I really appreciate it- it's nice to know people are still here reading and genuinely care, or are at least morbidly curious, what's happening my life.
Basically, it comes down to I'm pregnant with baby number 3.
I know, you expected me to be over the moon excited- it's what I've always wanted, right? Well, I'm not. I'm ashamed to say it, but I'm not excited. I have had so many emotions go through me since finding out and I'm ashamed of all of them. When I was at the doctor two weeks ago, I knew something was wrong. I knew during my ultrasound when she asked to go from abdominal to vaginal. I knew when she called another tech in who said, "measure everything". I honestly thought it was cancer or a cyst, and I was actually fine with both of those things, which sounds really terrible. I had mentally prepared myself for something like that and I knew I'd be just fine.
While waiting, I got nervous. Only because who wants that kind of news? I mean, what's the acceptable reaction to that? So I sat, waited, and got nervous. I stared at all of the pregnant couples and was quietly resentful that Matt didn't come with me to this appointment. You should have your spouse with you if you are going to be told if you had cancer or needed surgery, right? I mean, what if I'm in no shape to drive afterwards?
So I get called in and they are insistent I get my blood drawn and pee in a cup. Both of which I do because I'm a fan of having as much information to make a decision. So I wait in a consultation room. I get scared. I kind of start to shake, but I'm holding it together. I wish Matt was there to hold my hand.
The doctor comes in, with a resident doctor, and puts my file on the desk and I see a snap shot of the ultrasound. She says, "You're pregnant." and I promptly vomit all over the place. I cry hysterically for awhile and it's all really undignified. It's everything I knew I wasn't going to hear. It doesn't make sense to me how a child can be conceived despite two forms of birth control. I leave there with instructions to make an appointment. She says it's early days, it'll be fine, babies are always a blessing, don't cry- you'll love this one too.
I don't believe anything she says and I just want to go cry.
I leave there with a stream of tears in my eyes and I can barely see. I run out onto the street, almost get hit by a car, and start having a panic attack in the parking lot. I calm down enough to call Matt. He doesn't answer, so I keep trying until he picks up. I have to tell somebody and I can't breathe. He doesn't take it well and hangs up on me.
I cry even harder and feel pretty fucking alone, in my car, in a hospital parking lot.
I feel selfish knowing I have friends who would do anything for a baby. I feel ungrateful because it was only a year ago I wanted a third baby so bad and here it is and I hate it. I feel overwhelmed and afraid.
Matt calls back and asks what I want to do. He says he's willing to take me somewhere if we decide to terminate it and it'll be OK. He isn't thrilled about this but no matter what we decide, we'll get through it. I know we will but it doesn't feel OK and in that moment, I felt like I was drowning.
I drive back to work because I have to work as many hours as I can- I work a certain allotment in a year and that ends in June, and I have it planned meticulously so I make my set hours. I can't take any time off between now and then. As soon as I get to work, I burst into tears and blurt out that I was pregnant and the shock on every one's face is pretty obvious. I also appreciate it's hard to say "congratulations" when the pregnant person is clearly a mess. I mean, what do you even say to that person?
So that's what it is. I'm pregnant. I'm not happy. I don't know what I feel but I have been crying pretty regularly since finding out. I'm not sure what life is going to be like and I'm not ready. I'll talk more tomorrow about what happened once I got home and just... the mental processing of it all.