Well. I don't think there is ever a good way to deliver bad news, is there? It's best to rip it off like a band aid, I suppose.
I lost my baby.
I went to the doctor today and I knew immediately that baby was gone. Not only was there no heartbeat, it wasn't any bigger and it looked.... it looked like a black hole. I knew right away. I couldn't look at Matt because I didn't want to cry. For once I just wanted to be strong. The ultrasound tech looked so sad and she just rested her head on my leg and said, "Oh honey.... things don't look like they should."
And I cried.
I cried so hard. Never in my life had I cried that hard. I felt like a failure. I felt like as a mother, I failed my baby. I felt like I let Matt down- I couldn't even carry his baby. I couldn't do it right and I'm sorry. I tried.
The irony here, is that it was that moment that made me realize how badly I wanted that baby.
I felt like I was being punished.
I think that ultrasound tech knew all of this was running through my head. All I remember is her hugging me as Matt stared as the still image of our dead baby, and her saying I was still a good mom. I didn't do anything wrong and that nature just worked out something that would have been harder for me later on.
In my head- I know all of this. I do.
I still can't look past it.
I left there with a prescription to essentially induce a miscarriage on my own. I know a lot of people opt for a D&C and I just couldn't. It felt cruel to just suck it out like it meant nothing at all. I feel like, as the mother, I can endure whatever pain and emotional upheaval is coming my way. I owe my baby that much.
I came home, followed the directions on the medicine and waited for my kids to come home. Thankfully, my mom said she could pick them up from school and bring them home. It's been a few hours. I was doing OK emotionally. Matt and I told the kids- they cried. They cried hard, which only makes me cry harder. Jackson asked me if we could still have a baby someday and I said maybe we could. Matt told me he would like to try again. Me being pregnant made him think three is in our future. I'm just too numb to think.
I was doing OK. I'm in some pain but it's not horrible. It feels exactly like early labor contractions, just as the doctor said they would. She said within 48 hours it should be gone. I go for a follow up ultrasound on Friday morning to make sure.
Right before Jackson's kindergarten graduation. I don't know how I'm going to keep it together during that as it is, and then I'll have this on me.
About an hour ago I felt a surge of pain and sure enough, I've started bleeding. That's when I lost it. I can't even tell you the guilt I feel right now. No amount of rationale is going to make this better for me. I know in a few weeks I'll be fine. I know I will. Right now I'm just crying because I just wish life would give me a fucking break. Why does everything have to be such a god damn uphill battle? Why can't things just happen and be amazing for me? What have I done to deserve nothing but struggle all of the way? I'm a good person. I do good things for people, I try to be kind and thoughtful, I help everyone who needs it when I can. And yet, none of it even matters because my heart is so battered some days I can't even breathe.
And now I get to feel my baby leave my body and it'll be for nothing.
The alarming thing is that the doctor held my hands and said, "Sara. I want you to prepare yourself and do not be alarmed. You ARE going to pass a noticeable size of tissue. It won't look like a baby, but you're going to know what it is. I don't want you to be scared, I want you to be prepared. You can do this." I left there feeling like I had a plan and I was going to do this.
And now it's started and I am absolutely terrified. I'm sad and terrified.