Friday marked one month since my miscarriage.
At the time I was so sad and I honestly felt like I wasn't ever going to feel better. I won't lie and say every day is great because that's not true. There are times where I'll be at Target and find myself staring at baby onesies and blankets and I just feel so damn empty. Or I'll see a pregnant woman and think, that could have been me. I would be showing right now. I would be getting the room ready and I would be getting excited for the baby shower my friend was planning.
But I'm not. I'm not any of those things.
Some days go by and I think, maybe it was a blessing.Then others go by and I so desperately want a baby I can barely breathe. I still can't look at the little onesies I bought to get myself excited about having a baby. I feel sad going into the third room. I did buy curtains the other day and it just felt... too hopeful?
I have never, in all of my life, been so indecisive about something.
It doesn't help that Matt has decided he really wants another baby. The irony here is that I spent years essentially begging him to just consider a third baby and he shut the door on that each and every time. There was to be no discussion because two was it. He didn't want a third and he didn't want to talk about it. I'd try the "but it's important to me" card and he'd pull the "it's important to me not to have more" card and how can I argue with that? How can I say my desires are more important than his? I can't and I wouldn't.
But now the tables are turned. He wants another baby and I'm the one who is scared. I'm scared to go through another miscarriage, I'm scared we'll have a third and I'll be so unhappy and sad. I'm scared we can't afford it. I'm scared about daycare since my mom can't do it and I wouldn't ask her to rally and do it anyways. But then I feel guilty because Olivia and Jackson got to bond with her and adore her to pieces and I'm afraid the third won't have that bond and it's important to me. Irrational, it's totally irrational because I know my mom would eat a little baby up with kisses and love no matter what.
All of the things holding me back are in my head. They are all things that have solutions but it doesn't help me not think them. I'm psyching myself out and I hate it. I hate that at the one time in my life where I need to really decide what the hell I'm doing, I'm just sitting here not sure.
But, I got my period yesterday, right on cue. And though my doctor dutifully warned me it's going to be a bit harsher than any other period I've had and that's normal- that constant feeling that I'm being stabbed is kind of a bummer. Matt was kind of bummed out I wasn't pregnant. I feel like I've let him down. Again.
When I make my lists of why I would want another baby and why I would not, the would want list is a bit longer. Part of me feels a little cheated. When I had Olivia I had such awful post-partum depression I could barely function. I hardly remember her first year of life at all and I do feel that impacts the relationship I have with her now. Then with Jackson, I adored that little boy and he was the one that made me think my heart might explode with love. At the same time, Matt and I were in marriage counseling and I wasn't sure if we were even going to make it all while going through bankruptcy because though I can fix a lot of things, I couldn't fix his unemployment for half a year. It was a really awful time in our marriage. So part of me feels like, baby 3 could be the sweet spot. It could be what we wanted all along and just the combination of everything great about our family.
While at the fireworks on Friday, I realized how much I miss my kids being little. There are some real advantages and fun things about their ages now, but sometimes I miss holding a little child. I miss picking up toys in the living room. I miss little feet, sticky hands, Cheerios in my car, stroller walks, discovering new firsts and fresh out of the bath in footie pajamas. I look at my kids now and know they'd be excellent as a big brother and sister. I see how much they love each other, and though they fight, it's a bond I'm so glad I get to see. I always wanted to have more than just my one brother, though I love him dearly. So part of me feels like giving them another sibling is kind of a gift that gives long after I'm gone. Because some day, Matt and I will be gone and they'll only have each other.
My number one fear is that I'll have twins. I don't know if our family, in any way, could handle twins. I don't know if I could as a mother, primarily. I know where my limitations are and it scares me. I feel like twins could be the undoing. And twins run in my family, Jackson was a twin, it's not completely out of the question. I raise that concern with Matt and he says there's no way it'll be twins. He refuses to believe that is even a possibility.
I know it'll get easier. I'm sure I'll have some breakthrough moment where I just decide and that's that. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.