Yeah, it's not just a bad day, it's on track to be a bad week.
So last week was a tough week with both Matt and I working quite a bit. This week it's not so bad for Matt, but next week will be terrible for me. I'll be clocking in around 65 hours next week. And it's not that I want to work that much, it's that financially, I absolutely have to right now. The medical bills? Killing us. I'm trying to not worry about it because I know eventually they'll be gone, but when I realize I have another $2700 surgery coming this fall? It's daunting. I feel overwhelmed.
Add that to getting more hours cut at work, that sucks. I have a part time job starting next week but after doing some math this weekend, Matt doesn't think we can swing it if I am working two jobs and still being the person to take the kids to activities and deal with school stuff since he's working so much. So I don't know what to do. I mean, for awhile it'll be fine but long term? I don't know. I'm stressed out.
School starts on September 2 and I'm going to be honest- I am terrified. I'm scared I'm going to not be good enough and I won't make it. I'm scared that financially, this is a terrible decision. It's me either try and blow money on something with no reward, or I go and do well, eventually finishing a degree and have a gross amount of debt and try to find a job using my degree so I can pay for it. Which I might not be able to do. I'm worried about it.
All of these things weigh heavily on my mind and this weekend it was hard. Then yesterday we hear of Robin Williams committing suicide and people are shocked. And I'm not. I'm not shocked about depression and feeling like you're really at the end of what you can take. I get it. It's awful. Thank god I've never been to that point but I can absolutely relate to things being great on the outside, but on the inside you just want to shrivel up and die because it's so hard to function.
A friend called me this weekend and told me I need to slow down, relax and just enjoy life. And I can't. I can't slow down and relax because when I do all of these terrible feelings and thoughts creep in and it's so hard to get past them and resume regular life when I need to. I refuse to be medicated because then I just feel totally numb and/or sick. It doesn't matter which one of the 7 (or combinations of) I've been on- it's all the same. I'm tired, I'm numb, I don't care about anything, or worst case scenario, I cry a lot. I can't do any of that and be a mom and wife.
So I just keep plugging on. I'm trying to take hits and bumps in the road in stride and just say things will get better. I'm trying really hard to do that, but sometimes it's just not enough. I told Matt something has to give and give soon because this is just too much. We need some good things to happen to us soon.
The worst part is realizing that overall, I live a really great life. I have a great husband, I have great kids, I have a supportive family. I have a job, I have a home to go to every day, I have clean water to drink and food to eat. I am safe, I am free, and I have opportunity. I hate having all of this and realizing it's not enough to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. And I know it's a phase. In a few weeks, I'll be fine, excited, and happy. And somehow that makes it worse because I know what it's like to have that good feeling, like everything is right at my finger tips. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to never know that and just be sad all of the time.
So in the meantime, I'm working on some crafty things, a really gorgeous baby shower that I'm dying to show pictures of but it's a surprise to the mommy to be, I've got some book reviews I'm working on, and a few other things. I'm trying to stay busy because that gives me peace and honestly, I need it.