Biggest question I get as of late is, "So? How are you feeling??". And honestly? I feel terrible. I have never in my life been so terrible feeling. I have never had morning sickness with either Olivia or Jackson and I'll be honest, the little bit I had with my miscarriage I chalked up to something not being right. But no. As it turns out, when you're older (as the nurse practitioner mentioned a few times in my appointment, despite only being 32), these things are a bit harder on the ole' bag of bones.
I also was never really tired with my other two. I felt pretty normal, like it was no big deal. This time I can barely function. I'm in bed by 8 usually, I sleep for a few hours, pee a lot, am up for a few hours, and then crash before my alarm goes off and wander through the day like a zombie. I'm sick a lot. I have a lot of aversions. Basically all food is horrible except Goldfish crackers, and the only thing I can usually keep down as far as liquids is water. Ice cold water.
Aside from being ridiculously tired, starving, and sick? I feel like I'm on the verge of getting the flu. You know how you feel achy and get the chills? That's me every day, all day. It's really awful. I'm really hoping this is just going to be a really brutal first trimester and then smooth sailing the rest of the way. I really had easy pregnancies before so I really do wonder if my body is all rusty and rebellious at this point, letting me know that clearly, it is not pleased with my baby making shenanigans. It's like forcing a retired person to get a full time job, I suppose.
We told the kids on Friday. They were over the moon excited. What is really interesting is that Olivia obviously has already seen me pregnant, and though she was little, she has a general idea of what is to come. She does remember Jackson being born, seeing me in the hospital, and having to play a lot on her own because we had to feed the baby. Which really surprised me because she was only two when he was born. So this time around she asks me a lot of questions of why things hurt, what does it look like in there, how does it grow, etc. Fortunately, I have found some interesting videos on YouTube that time warp baby development and she was pretty fascinated by it. But she is nine and she's very into science and how things work so I guess this shouldn't surprise me at all. I think part of her is absolutely terrified to know what happens. Which is maybe OK, but I also want her to know it's really not that bad and that someday she could be a mother if she wants to be. I'd never badger my kids to provide me grandchildren, but I want her to not be scared of it.
Jackson on the other hand, at age six, has zero interest in how babies are made. He is more interested in being a big brother and tells me every day the things he's going to do to be a good big brother. He has asked me when he'll see my belly move, so someone as school must have mentioned that? I told him it'll be awhile yet. We did tell them that when we have an ultrasound to see what it is that I would let them skip school to come. Of course that was the best thing I could have ever said, so they are anxiously awaiting, but I think that will be about mid-December if I counted correctly.
Matt and I are excited, but we're also moving into the kind of terrified stage. Not of having an infant, we're practically old pro's at this point, but now we're like, "Good god, do we really want to start all over again?". And mostly it's me asking this question and for his part, he's very excited and says it's not an issue and it won't be as hard. I'm not totally sold on that, but I am pretty damn excited and just hope all of the screenings and tests they do around week twelve come out OK. Because in the back of my head, I worry and I cannot help it. I hope eventually there comes a point in the pregnancy where I won't be terrified of miscarriage.
So we're at it again. I'll keep you posted, and hopefully in a few weeks I won't be so exhausted and will be able to blog regularly again. Be patient, stick with me, I'm growing a tiny human.