Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Why you absolutely should not see Fifty Shades of Grey with your husband.

Valentine's Day this year was a bit of a dud. I won't go into it, but let's just say, I really prepped him to do something extra lovable and it didn't happen.

And I feel a little sad about it, but I'm not going to dwell on it.

Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact I had really good cheese curds at our lunch date and that we got to go to a grown up movie. Matt agreed to go see Fifty Shades of Grey with me, mostly because I was going to go with or without  him and he didn't have anything better going on. Now, he obviously didn't read the books. I did. I know people say it's terribly written, it's abusive, it's dumb, it's the worst of the worst and to all of that I say- you are lame and stop killing my enjoyment.

Because I liked it. Best writing ever? No. But to be honest, there aren't many books I consider to be well written anymore so I can't fault E. L. James for that. Is it abusive? I guess that depends on how you view abuse. Knowing what Christian Grey's issues in life are, I understand why he does what he does. To me, it's logical. Maybe not ideal or smart, but it's logical. I don't view Anastasia as a wilting flower like Bella in the Twilight Saga because she demonstrates she has brains and free will. If anything, I feel like she's really calling the shots over Christian, it just might not be so obvious. And again, I think people are highly judgmental about the BDSM lifestyle as a whole and just throw this into the "totally unacceptable, that's not love" category. I'm more of a believer that as long as it's two consenting adults, it might not be my cup of tea, but flog away you love birds.

Anyways.

So we went to see the movie. Unfortunately, the only theater that still had available seats during the matinee was the Omnimax theater. Even better, we got the last two seats in the SECOND ROW.

Now, I don't know if you have been to an Omnimax theater, but it's a huge screen, it's curved and made to make you feel like you are really right there as whatever on the screen is happening. Which, normally super fun. Not super fun during a movie based on an erotica novel. Let's put it this way, I can tell you with 100% certainty that Dakota Johnson does not shave her thighs. She also has man feet and maybe needs to wear some face cream because her complexion is uneven. By a lot.

So we're watching the movie. And through the entire thing, Matt has gas. Like, he is farting uncontrollably. And despite how loud the damn sound was, you could clearly hear it. I feel so terrible for the people directly in front of him, I'm sure their jackets had to be washed. Secondly, he's asking me questions the entire time. "Wait- why does he need cable ties?", "How is he attracted to her? Why doesn't she brush her hair?", "Her friend sucks if she doesn't tell her she looks like a mess.", "Oh PLEASE, that isn't realistic.", "Wait- do you want to be flogged? We should talk about this at home.".

It was mortifying. Mostly because I'm pretty sure the people around us heard. And then I get up at the end and am clearly pregnant, with a bladder so full I can barely see straight. Because of course there was no time to pee before the show and by the time I realized we were on the brink of a bladder explosion, it was where the kinkery was starting to happen and I didn't want to get up like I was too prudish to watch.

Because if I'm anything, I'm not a prude.

Overall, the movie was alright. The story was good, it followed the book closely and I loved the cliff hanger ending. The filming of it was terrible. It's really on par with the first Twilight movie where it looked like a high school kid did it with his mom's camcorder from 1990 and edited it with free movie maker software on a Windows 95 PC. I mean, it was bad. Some of the dialogue was too much. In the book when Christian says "laters, baby", it's endearing and kind of cute. When it happens in the movie, it's awful and cheesy and doesn't seem to fit at all. Their email and text exchanges in the book were amusing, and in the movie again, it was cheesy. Which is hard because I'm not sure how they could have done it any differently without it being weird, but it came off as weird.

Then of course we get to the car and it's dead silent. Matt isn't sure what to think, but you could tell he totally wanted to ask me something. Eventually he just casually said, "So, that was interesting. I mean, I don't know if I could beat you but you know, I mean, yeah." HA! Yeah, Matt. Yeah.

The lesson learned here is that for the next movie, I'll just go on my own. Or with a friend.

1 comment:

Kim Topolewski said...

So I went with a girl friend who said she read the books but I'm pretty sure she read them when they first came out because she was kind of clueless to certain things. I on the other hand re-read the first one on Saturday so I could have a refresher into what was happening.

I totally agree with you on the writing and the relationship thing. And when I was watching the movie, some of the spanking/kinky stuff I thought "shit. this should be a trigger warning. " because I'm sure some of these people in the theater have had real bad abuse. But then again, they know what they're going to see.

Some of the dialogue, like the 'Laters, Baby' I think was made out to be slightly comical, because otherwise it would be a high intense movie the whole time which for me is fine, but for the general movie-goer is rough. And I could definitely tell that like 70-80% of that theater had not read the books because there was so much nervous laughter at some parts it kind of annoyed the shit out of me.

But god damn if Jamie Dornan isn't the hottest man alive/a really good Christian Grey. I could tell at some scenes where he was acting his heart out and had so much passion and Dakota's acting was just like "meh." Hire me damnit, I can act better than her.

At the end everyone was like "WHAT THE FUCK" with the cliffhanger but obviously I knew that's where they were going to end it. I would pay to go see it again and I love it for what it is, abusive relationship and all.

Sigh, now if only a super hot 20/30-something CEO would find me and make me his sex slave..... damn you literature for making me have unrealistic perceptions on men.