I love birthdays. I love mine the most, admittedly. I usually try to plan a fun trip with friends but this year I didn't do that. Mostly because I'm pretty pregnant and I'm a lot broke, so it didn't feel right spending money on something so frivolous. The other side of the coin was that I just had a baby shower and I felt like if I did a birthday thing people would feel obligated to get me a gift and meh- not my style. But that's not to say no fun was had.
I got to go to lunch with my friend Cassandra. That was kind of great and it's nice to catch up. I had felt so crappy all morning, and I'll go into that in a bit, so I was sure my entire day was going to be shit. Lunch was so great though and it was so nice to catch up with someone who deals with a lot of the same things parenting wise, and just as a fledgling adult, as I do. So I left there feeling recharged for the rest of my day.
It ended up being short lived though, because after I got home I realized how disappointed that Matt basically has no concept of how to do nice things for someone. None. I mean, really, he has none. The night before, he took the kids to get my birthday gift. My kids are the sweetest kids ever, but sometimes they need some guidance because otherwise they pick out things and you have no idea what exactly their thought process was, and you're left feigning enthusiasm for a Bic lighter (even though you don't smoke) and a flashlight.
This year they picked out what is easily the ugliest, chunkiest, largest, gawdiest jewelry I have ever seen from Walmart. I mean, it's hideous. Nobody wears this crap and it's always on clearance and will turn your skin green, and that's if you don't get a headache from the sheer weight of it hanging off your neck. And of course I had to fake enthusiasm. I'm not trying to break their little hearts. After they had gone to bed I asked Matt what the hell- because really, what the hell? How are you a parent for 9 years and have no ability to say, "you know, that's pretty nice but I bet mommy would REALLY love this.."? So he says nothing.
The next day, my actual birthday, I see he got me these daisies that smell like trash, like actual trash. To the point where I didn't even see the daisies, I thought for sure one of our pets tipped over trash, or worse. Nope. Just these ugly ass flowers that are half dead and eaten by the cats, stinking up the entire downstairs of my house. So I toss those and take the trash out because it was enough to make me vomit. I had gone to lunch, and when I came home, it was pretty much time to start dinner. He comes home, late, so dinner is basically burning on the stove. By this point I'm so angry it's taking everything in me to not just lose it on him, and he hands me a card and the Mockingjay movie. I don't even open the card, I just toss it. Mostly because I have said at every holiday, anniversary, birthday, etc do NOT GET ME A CARD. The entire principle of paying $2+ on a piece of cardstock with shit you don't even understand what it says makes me so mad I can't even think. But this one is heavy so lord knows he probably paid more than $5 for it and that sets me off because I think, I could buy two lunches for the kids at school with that $5 but you've instead, flushed it down the toilet. Super. So we start having dinner and I'm over it. I didn't finish it, I just got up and started doing busy things so I'd calm down. (I'm a fierce cleaner when I'm angry.) After dinner I told the kids they could just have my cake, I wasn't up for it.
I know they were disappointed. By that point I was so far gone from being able to fake it, I did the best I could. We read stories and I tucked them in and basically cried myself to sleep.
It's not that I'm asking for specific, awesome gifts. Not at all. It's that I'm asking for just a single fuck to be given. Just one. I hate having to say explicitly what I'd like for my birthday, or whatever, because by that point I figure- what's the point? Why even bother then? He did ask what I wanted for my birthday and I said I really needed a new bra, pajamas, I'd like to get my hair cut and eyebrows waxed before Penelope comes (to my credit, I only get my hair cut twice a year, if that because I can't justify the cost), and a splurge would be a pedicure. Instead, I got jewelry I won't wear and a movie I could care less if I see. Thanks.
On the upside, my friend got me flowers and a gift card to my favorite nacho place, my parents got me a gift card for Barnes & Noble so I can get some books that are coming out soon, and my in-laws got me a gift card to get pajamas. So it wasn't a total bust. I just hate feeling disappointed if I don't just do something myself. It'd be really nice to be completely surprised. It'd be nice if he just put thought into something versus doing the bare minimum to say he did it.
Next year I'll just plan my own birthday fun. I'll buy my own gift, my own cake, and make it a fun day.