What I've learned in the last few months is that hypnobirthing and learning how to do it on your own, is really incredibly difficult.
I firmly believe that if I lived alone, or at least had no children and no pets, I would be far more successful. Typical things that happen while I'm trying to do my breathing exercises and relax would include:
- children arguing over who is louder
- children running up and down the halls
- one child falling down the stairs because the other one breathed on them
- one cat scratching the door to the room I'm in
- another cat yowling like he's being tortured
- Twinky whining at the door
- one cat starts puking out of stress because I won't open the door
- Matt asking me what I'm making for dinner
- one kid asking me when I'm coming out
- Jackson telling me he went the "good kind of bathroom"
- only to be followed up with Olivia telling me she clogged the toilet
This is my life. I can't relax when any of combination of this happens within a thirty minute span.
I think my other problem is I really don't know how to relax. I'm always going. I never feel comfortable doing nothing. I feel so unproductive. All of this, obviously, is really making me scared. I really want to have a natural birth because I am not confident that it will work this time around. I'm much more worried about how an epidural will affect me post birth. I am so worried about post-partum depression like I had with Olivia and I'm certain that part of the problem was that my epidural was too good and I didn't get those natural endorphins after your baby is born. So my goal this time around was to try really hard to have Penelope all on my own.
I felt so empowered after watching The Business of Being Born, reading all of these books that reassure me that this is totally normal and natural, people can birth by freaking trees for God's sake, so there is absolutely no reason I can't do this.
Except you know, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I also don't like being in pain. I can cope for awhile but eventually I just say no more and I wave the white flag demanding an epidural.
So rightfully, I'm a little nervous. I'm more nervous for the labor and delivery of Penelope than I was with either Olivia or Jackson. I wasn't nervous at all with Olivia, which is strange because she was my first, you would think I'd have been nervous. I was a little nervous with Jackson, mostly because I was being induced and I wasn't sure what that was going to mean for me. I turned out to be just fine both times, though Jackson's delivery was harder on me because my epidural had worn off. I think now in hindsight it hadn't completely worn off, I think it will certainly be worse this time around and I'm scared. I think it's normal to be scared. I know my body will do its thing and this baby will come out come hell or high water, I just hope it's a good experience for both her and I.