But then I got pregnancy despite three forms for birth control and I ended up with a miscarriage. That felt especially cruel because while initially devastated because we had basically resigned ourselves (mostly I did this) to no more kids, here I am, pregnant. Right as I was moving past the feelings of anger and are-you-effing-kidding-me-universe feelings, I started to get really excited about the baby, and then I lose it.
It felt especially cruel because it should have been my sign of, "see, we're officially done" instead though, it made me lobby hard for a third baby. Surprisingly, Matt was completely on board so I jumped while he was still willing. And now I have a really wonderful, beautiful baby Penelope that I literally cannot imagine my life without. The fact that I could have gone through life and never have had her? I can't fathom it. Not at all. Best decision I have ever made.
And now I'm back in familiar stomping grounds: contemplation of just one more.
Now, I'm not itching to be the next Michelle Duggar. I know that no matter what, if we had another one we would absolutely, 100% be done. I couldn't do a fifth, no matter what. I couldn't. Normally I'd give myself some time and really wrap my head around what that would be like and if it's something I feel like we can do. The only reason I feel rushed in this is that we have clearly met our medical deductible for the year. With that into consideration, if Matt were to get a vasectomy, it would be covered. Otherwise we'd have to pony up quit a bit of money to pay for it ourselves next year or beyond.
Basically, the talking points that keep going in my head are:
- I am a fan of even numbers. I like the idea of everyone having a buddy.
- My fear is I'll end up with twins and then I'm back at an odd number. Not to mention twins.
- I'd like to be done having kids fully by the time I'm 35. I'm turning 34 in March which means I really need to get cracking if four is a go.
- Now that I have Penelope, I really miss the ability of getting up and going. The hassle of having a baby is all coming back to me now.
- Finances also come into play. Realistically, could we handle four kids?
- Certainly, if I knew I'd have a boy, I would be all over it. We're back to my even numbers of things.
Some days I look at Penelope and think YES. Yes to it all over again. Even though pregnancy was a bit tougher this go around, with all things considered, I would do it again. But then.. do I want two kids under two? Holy buckets, that seems scary. And then I think, there are so many places I want to take my kids and show them and with Olivia and Jackson getting older, I feel like I don't have a lot of time. Having a fourth would limit my ability to do that, and that's something that was always very important to me as a parent. I knew I couldn't give my kids things, but I wanted them to have experiences. I wanted my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the trips we took together.
Matt tells me we're done having kids, but then he tells co-workers we're talking about another. I feel like if push came to shove, he'd do whatever I wanted to do, so I feel a lot of pressure about this.
Some days I want more. And some days I just feel completely done. And exhausted. I just really wish I would have had a more definitive feeling of being done. All of my friends just knew when they were done and I just don't have that. I flip flop and I hate it. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do.
How did you know you were done?