Tuesday, September 6, 2016

I have a tween. What is even happening?!

Every year Olivia's birthday is the one that makes me feel the oldest. And maybe that will change as Lucy grows seeing how she's my baby. But Olivia... Olivia is my first in so many things and when I think back to her first year it brings out a lot of memories and emotions for me. I struggled so hard her first year with post partum depression and anxiety, and absolute worry that I was going to screw this child up beyond repair.

Don't get me wrong, there are still times where I'm convinced we're going to end up on Dr. Phil, but then there are other times where I think I'm basically the best mom in the universe and I should be coaching people. I don't currently feel this way, but there have been times where I felt that bad ass.

But Olivia was the start of it all. I have struggled the most with her because she's my oldest, it's like you have to prove you can get it right with at least one kid, so maybe that's why you're the hardest on the first? Go hard and then change things up with each subsequent one? I'm not sure. And maybe because she's so much like me I'm harder on her? Like I know exactly what her potential is and anything short of that sends me over the edge because I know she can do better? 
Sometimes I feel like apologizing profusely to her and say I did my best. I do my best every day and yet.... she's the one I worry that I'm screwing up. Maybe I'm too strict. I'm too worried. I'm too hard on her. Maybe all of these things. But damn if despite it all, she hasn't turned out to be the best kid ever.
She is Penelope's best friend, she helps me with everything, she has such a kind heart, she does so much for me around the house and is at the ready if I'm sick or not feeling well. I rely on her so much and she is such a trooper.
She turns 11 today and it's so weird to think I'm the mom of a tween. She is a fifth grader this year and I just... man. It's like, where is the time going? 
We celebrated her birthday a little early this year so my dad could give her the electric guitar from him and my mom. Last week we got her hair cut and highlighted (that was her gift from Matt and I), but she got a camera, some more Lego's, the rest of the Harry Potter books she didn't have, and some gift cards from others. It was a pretty successful birthday, I think.

So here's to another great year with my girl. She challenges me every day, drives me nuts on others, is always singing and dancing through the house, will talk your ear off non stop if you let her, is impossibly skinny, loves tacos, loves to read, can play the guitar, really smart and eager to learn, is horribly uncoordinated, but has the biggest heart and the kindest soul of anyone I know. She's the best of everything I could have imagined for my daughter.

2 comments:

thotlady said...

Lovely. She is beautiful.

Julie H said...

My oldest is 22 and I blame myself a lot for being too hard on her and not realizing that she might need something beyond myself. Being a mom is HARD. Happy birthday to Olivia!