I know I've been on a weight loss kick (or trying to be) but if we're being honest, I ate an entire bag of Dove chocolate this weekend while in bed and I kind of don't feel bad. I feel more bad that I slept for almost the entire day on Saturday and didn't care that Matt was dealing Penelope the Beast and Lucy the Cutest on his own. I think it's good for him because there are a lot of days I'm left feeling like he must think I literally do nothing all day. Just sit on my phone playing Candy Crush, reading books, watching Paternity Court on TV, eating Cheez-It's until he gets home where I put all of that away to make it look like I've been productive.
(Again, if we're being honest, I sometimes eat my lunch while watching Paternity Court, playing Candy Crush, and eating Cheez-It's, but I'm eating lunch and keeping an eye on Penelope the Beast while she eats HER lunch and Lucy is right here. It's OK if I'm still mom'ing it.)
But in the total scheme of things? I'm struggling. I'm now on my third anti-depressant and honest to god, this one makes me feel AWFUL. I thought the Lexapro was bad but at least on that one I wasn't physically able to cry for some reason. I wanted to, badly, like an itch I couldn't scratch, but tears would not come. Now I'm on Cymbalta and woah- I can cry now! Which is frustrating because I was sure that if I could just cry a little bit I would have found this good balance between keeping it together and letting it out.
But no. Turns out, that's not how any of this works.
I saw my primary doctor on Friday and because I've gone through three, I now have to go to a psychotherapist who can do more in depth evaluation on what I need. Which... it's depressing. I'm getting really frustrated with doctors and I know it isn't rational- they are doing the very best that they can for me and are just as frustrated.
The worst part? Is that I feel genuinely bad about being depressed. There are so many people doing kind and amazing things for us, I am blown away every day by emails from friends and strangers, people bringing us dinner and gifts, people coming over to see how they can help- I am so grateful that people care so much. I honestly think I would be worse off without these things.
There is a large part of me who is so tired of not feeling well, of being sad, being overwhelmed and that part of me really wishes I wasn't here. I sometimes wish I had just died during my AFE. I keep telling my doctors that I'm not suicidal, I don't feel like finding the means and carrying out the act of killing myself, but if a bus was coming at me down the road, I maybe wouldn't hustle as fast to get out of the way.
I fully recognize that when I say this people don't know how to respond and it scares them. It scares them, it makes them angry, it makes them sad. I get it. I'm so sorry because I can't change that any more than I can't change how I feel. It's a really awful feeling to have and I haven't talked about it much because I don't want to worry people any more than they already do. But I recently read that if you want to conquer something, you have to acknowledge it, make it real. So that's what I'm doing. It feels like such a small step but I hope it's a big one because there is really nothing more frustrating than to feel this awful despite all of the good going on around me. I hate that my own brain isn't letting me find joy in all of these things. I can't even have joy with my children- I'm so tired of hearing their voices and seeing their faces and I would rather lay in the dark all alone. And I hate it. There are so many people out there who would love the noises in my home, the love they have to give, and I'm just here. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Anxious. Worried. Confused. Tired.
But, Dove chocolate tells me it's going to be OK. I'm pretty sure chocolate wouldn't lie.