Saturday, December 31, 2016

Just get out of here already. Seriously.

It's really no secret that if you were a celebrity, you were probably laying low for fear the reaper was coming for you while wearing 2016 glasses. Unfortunately for the rest of us, 2016 was just as much of an asshole to us as well.

While the last week of 2016 was actually pretty amazing for us, the majority of 2016 was absolutely horrible. I could recap it all but I won't. Sometimes it's better to just let awful things be, you know? But what I have learned from 2016 is that for the second time in my life, a crisis shows me who is a friend and who isn't. Who your actual ride or die village is and who only wants a ride when it's convenient and fun for them. I've said some tough goodbye's to friends who weren't friends at all and I've said some really feel good purges on Facebook of people who don't deserve the best me, or my family, has to offer.

And it feels good. It's amazing how free you can feel when you just don't care anymore.

But there are a few friends, people I would drop everything for to help them in a time of need that I haven't said goodbye to yet, and I know I should. It's so hard to break up with friends, especially people who you really like as individuals, people you miss dearly and keep trying to make the relationship work with, and they just.. don't. We have different lifestyles (I have kids, they don't, they work, I don't, they have money to do fun things, I don't, etc) but I still feel like the foundation for a good friendship is there. I don't know why it doesn't work anymore. Maybe I should just ask. Or maybe I should just walk away and be sad for awhile and then that's it. I don't know.

I do know that 2016 has just been so damn awful and I don't want another year like this one again for a long, long time. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it to be honest with you. I barely made it out of this year alive, if there is any kind of justice in the world 2017 will be kind.

Monday, December 19, 2016

P.S. I Like You

I've decided since my brain is kind of mushy by the end of the day that I'd get myself on a YA reading kick because those always seem to be fast and easy reads. I also have given myself a goal of actually reading every book on my shelf and I have a bunch from book boxes that I just haven't gotten to yet, so I found this one, and so I read it. And really liked it.

P.S. I Like You - Kasie West

Signed, sealed, delivered…

While spacing out in chemistry class, Lily scribbles some of her favorite song lyrics onto her desk. The next day, she finds that someone has continued the lyrics on the desk and added a message to her. Intrigue!

Soon, Lily and her anonymous pen pal are exchanging full-on letters—sharing secrets, recommending bands, and opening up to each other. Lily realizes she’s kind of falling for this letter writer. Only, who is he? As Lily attempts to unravel the mystery and juggle school, friends, crushes, and her crazy family, she discovers that matters of the heart can’t always be spelled out…


Can I just be honest with you? When I was in high school I was very much like Lily. A little strange, no boys seemingly had any interest, and I had friends who really tried to get me to talk to a guy. Any guy. And just not make fun of him, be nice, and give him a chance. Except I couldn't because I was really terrified he wouldn't like me or it'd end badly and all of a sudden totally untrue rumors would go around school and I'd be even more of a social outcast than I already was. So I just didn't, but this would have been a dream scenario had this happened to me.

Anyways. So we have introverted, awkward, sarcastic Lily who has a chaotic home life with all of her siblings, so she feels a little ignored at best. One day she begins an anonymous letter exchange with someone in an earlier period of Chemistry than her and after a few letters she realizes it's actually a guy she's writing to. And falling for. One day, against her better judgement, she goes to the classroom on an errand to see who her pen pal is but when she sees who he is, she's equal parts intrigued and horrified. And torn because of the connection to her best friend. Enter mean girls, awkwardness, family issues, and preconceived judgments, and you have a really great book. I flew through this book in two nights before bed and if you're in the mood for something light but also fun, and remind you of what first love was like, this is your next book.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Penelope: whoa, doggie.

Penelope at 19 months is.... well she's very entertaining. She's also very challenging and I don't know if I had repressed what this age was really like or if she's just so much harder than Olivia and Jackson were. Granted, I was working full time back then so I really only had to deal with them a little in the morning, and a little in the evening, and then weekends. My mom handled the brunt of them so perhaps I should ask her.

Every day it's an absolute adventure. Almost every day she wakes up with a massive poop and it's really the worst way to start your day. I've started putting a gate in front of her door after being woken up to her holding her pooping diaper, inches from my face. I figure it's just best to keep that kind of potential disaster contained as possible.
She climbs on everything. She opens everything, she pulls everything out, she is an absolute menace.
She wanders around our house carrying random objects, oftentimes dropping food, and banging into walls, cabinets, appliances, chairs, etc and then screaming at us like it's our fault she's essentially a drunk toddler.
Penelope has also learned how to take her clothes off on her own and no matter how cold it is, this child is either topless or pantsless, and often not wearing socks. She's really got a thing against socks. You'd think this would be a positive step towards potty training, but she doesn't really give a damn about being in a gross diaper.
This face? Is a very accurate depiction of what living with her is like. She is hilarious, she can be so much fun and a total goofball but make you so angry. She does things that send you over the damn edge and then gives you a hug. She really is a sweetheart when she wants to be.
But this face? This face is what life is like 98% of the time. Often by bedtime (which is 6pm folks, and she sleeps in until 7am, usually) we have all broken down into tears. Here she's climbed into her high chair around 4 (her way of demanding the dinner be served right now), in tears, picking her nose, completely disheveled, and wearing a shirt a friend gave her that shares the sentiment I say to myself every day while I'm trying to burn food as fast possible.

Good gravy.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Lucy: 4 months

I'm super behind, so we are actually going to recap month 3 and then talk about her as a big 4 month old.

It's so strange that Lucy is already four months old. It feels like I had her forever ago, but that's because I can't remember month one and two much at all. I can't remember month three either.
I do know that in month three she is sleeping (mostly) through the night. She goes to bed around 9 with us, sleeps in a rock and play in our room, and gets up around 4 in the morning to eat and then back to bed until around 7.
She follows me everywhere with her eyes. She turns her head to find me all of the time, she's definitely another little mama's girl.
She is totally a snuggle bug. If you want a baby who snuggles? This is your gal. She's in six month clothing (mostly), she's pretty chunky. Cankles and rolls for days.
She very much dislikes tummy time, but we do it so she doesn't get a flat head. She's lost most of her hair but it appears to be coming back in all fuzzy. It's kind of adorable.
Post partum depression wise.. I'm not any better. In fact most days I feel like I'm worse. She's such an easy, adorable, lovely baby so it's not her, it's definitely me.
My mom comes to help me every day and it's such a help. She also gets a kick out of Lucy's rolls and no kidding- I can't help myself kissing and nibbling her.
She loves to be spoken to and she's starting to get really vocal with her squeals. She loves music and she's doing a good job at grabbing at things and holding onto them. She also puts anything she can get into her mouth!
Penelope is a pretty good big sister. Some times she's jealous and wants us to put Lucy down and focus on her, and she can be a bit bossy with her sister, but she's also very sweet. She tries to help out and I think she knows what Lucy wants more than we do!
Lucy also started cereal this month and seems to love it. She is the easiest baby to feed of all of the kids- she clearly enjoys food! I also used a gift card someone gave me to purchase this cool bumbo seat thing with a tray and activity bar to help her sit up. She does pretty well in it and is trying to grab at the toys but her arms are just a little too short.
Overall, the last four months have been so hard. I am so grateful that she's a pretty easy baby because I struggle every day. I just want to be able to go out and do things with her and it's so hard. Now it's winter so leaving the house is such a chore anyways but I don't have confidence like I did with my first two, you know? That and with my memory issues I'm terrified I'm going to forget someone in the van or in a cart or something. So we stay home every day. Here's hoping Santa brings us new toys because lord alive I'm sick of what we have here!

Monday, December 12, 2016

Wallflower Blooming

I'm going to have a bunch of books coming at you this month because I've kind of been on a roll, so stay tuned!

Wallflower Blooming - Amy Rivers
Val Shakely is a list-maker. Daily routine. Check. Calm, quiet (but successful) business. Check. No drama. No excitement. Some might call it boring, but it’s precisely the way Val likes it. She loves her hometown of Cambria, nestled in the mountains of Colorado, and runs a fruitful PR firm. And that’s more than enough for Val. So what if she doesn’t have a social life? Then, her cousin Gwen decides to take on the local political bully, the Mayor, in head-to-head combat for the Mayoral seat and Val takes her company reluctantly, and against her better judgment, into the fray. The minute Val takes on Gwen’s campaign, the safe world that she has carefully constructed begins to unravel. She feels the pressure of the campaign and the personal attacks by Gwen’s opponent. And as if that wasn’t complicated enough, Val finds herself falling in love. Val’s desire to stay on the sidelines is put to the test and she’s forced to reexamine the life she’s built as she trudges toward a new and more exciting future. 

If you are kind of overwhelmed with the holidays and don't really want to commit to a lengthy book, this is definitely a good option for you. Coming in at just under 200 pages, this book is a cute little PG romance set around local politics. I know, after the election this fall you are probably burnt out on politics, but this is features a hot mayoral race in small town Cambria, Colorado between Val Shakely's cousin Gwen and incumbent Roger Barton. Val reluctantly agrees to take charge of Gwen's media and marketing for her campaign and it throws Val into the uncomfortable waters of being in the public eye. Once thrust into the crowds of the local elite, Val meets elusive bachelor John Hatfield who almost immediately shows an interest in Val. The personal attacks and nitty gritty of a political campaign threaten to get the best of Val, but John does his best to hold her together even when attacks verge towards physical.

Overall? I'm rating this 3/5 stars. For me, it reads like an indie novel and I found some grammatical errors, more towards the end of the book. The romance is very PG, which makes it a great option for readers who don't want to hear about pulsing private parts. The political race gets contentious and we have a build up of the incumbent mayor having a real issue  but when we find out what made him so vile and vicious? Total let down for me, I was hoping it was going to be a real revelation instead of what it was. I also found the relationship between Val and John kind of boring? But you need to keep in mind I like a fairly dirty romance so that's a preference of mine. Val is kind of an annoying character, she seemed kind of immature and overly anxious over minute details.But the book itself is a fast read with a predictable, happy ending.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

It's all going to get better. Dove chocolate says so.

I know I've been on a weight loss kick (or trying to be) but if we're being honest, I ate an entire bag of Dove chocolate this weekend while in bed and I kind of don't feel bad. I feel more bad that I slept for almost the entire day on Saturday and didn't care that Matt was dealing Penelope the Beast and Lucy the Cutest on his own. I think it's good for him because there are a lot of days I'm left feeling like he must think I literally do nothing all day. Just sit on my phone playing Candy Crush, reading books, watching Paternity Court on TV, eating Cheez-It's until he gets home where I put all of that away to make it look like I've been productive.

(Again, if we're being honest, I sometimes eat my lunch while watching Paternity Court, playing Candy Crush, and eating Cheez-It's, but I'm eating lunch and keeping an eye on Penelope the Beast while she eats HER lunch and Lucy is right here. It's OK if I'm still mom'ing it.)

But in the total scheme of things? I'm struggling. I'm now on my third anti-depressant and honest to god, this one makes me feel AWFUL. I thought the Lexapro was bad but at least on that one I wasn't physically able to cry for some reason. I wanted to, badly, like an itch I couldn't scratch, but tears would not come. Now I'm on Cymbalta and woah- I can cry now! Which is frustrating because I was sure that if I could just cry a little bit I would have found this good balance between keeping it together and letting it out.

But no. Turns out, that's not how any of this works.

I saw my primary doctor on Friday and because I've gone through three, I now have to go to a psychotherapist who can do more in depth evaluation on what I need. Which... it's depressing. I'm getting really frustrated with doctors and I know it isn't rational- they are doing the very best that they can for me and are just as frustrated.

The worst part? Is that I feel genuinely bad about being depressed. There are so many people doing kind and amazing things for us, I am blown away every day by emails from friends and strangers, people bringing us dinner and gifts, people coming over to see how they can help- I am so grateful that people care so much. I honestly think I would be worse off without these things.

But.

There is a large part of me who is so tired of not feeling well, of being sad, being overwhelmed and that part of me really wishes I wasn't here. I sometimes wish I had just died during my AFE. I keep telling my doctors that I'm not suicidal, I don't feel like finding the means and carrying out the act of killing myself, but if a bus was coming at me down the road, I maybe wouldn't hustle as fast to get out of the way.

I fully recognize that when I say this people don't know how to respond and it scares them. It scares them, it makes them angry, it makes them sad. I get it. I'm so sorry because I can't change that any more than I can't change how I feel. It's a really awful feeling to have and I haven't talked about it much because I don't want to worry people any more than they already do. But I recently read that if you want to conquer something, you have to acknowledge it, make it real. So that's what I'm doing. It feels like such a small step but I hope it's a big one because there is really nothing more frustrating than to feel this awful despite all of the good going on around me. I hate that my own brain isn't letting me find joy in all of these things. I can't even have joy with my children- I'm so tired of hearing their voices and seeing their faces and I would rather lay in the dark all alone. And I hate it. There are so many people out there who would love the noises in my home, the love they have to give, and I'm just here. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Anxious. Worried. Confused. Tired.

But, Dove chocolate tells me it's going to be OK. I'm pretty sure chocolate wouldn't lie.