I didn't include these in a December phone dump post because they are kind of special all on their own and I don't think I shared them. It's no surprise that I feel like I'm struggling as a mom even on my best days. By the time the big kids get home from school I am so physically and emotionally exhausted from my day with the little kids that I feel like I have no time for them. It's just... I just want silence and they, of course, want to talk about their day and all of the drama they encounter at school and I can't, man. I just can't.
Cue the feelings that I'm screwing my children up and they'll be telling their future therapists that their mother wasn't emotionally available to them. Forget the college fund, I'll just set money aside for therapy. It's more beneficial anyways.
But in December I went to Olivia's dance recital.
Which only highlighted to me how off I am with depression. I don't know if it's the medication just numbing my brain or what but it's not a good feeling.
Later on in the month, the kids had their holiday concert at school. Again, I normally look forward to it, wave like that maniac mom in the crowd, and totally embarrass them. This time I snapped one photo of each kid and just sat there. I was such a mess that morning and I'm supposed to give myself credit for just going. But I can't because that's the bare minimum.
I'm learning that not every day is going to be good. In fact, most days are going to be absolute shit. I can't even say that I'll have the glimmer of a good whole day here and there, it might just be a good moment or collection of moments from the day that I can call good. And maybe that's just going to be it for me, at least for awhile. I have to try to find one good thing in every day otherwise it's too easy for the sadness to drag me down.