It occurred to me that after my post on Monday, some of you were alarmed that maybe that was the end. I didn't mean to freak you out or leave you on Facebook stalking mode to make sure I was still posting; therefore, OK. I'm one to be honest and if that scares you or makes you feel the feels when you don't want to, I'm not sorry. Because it's about time we're honest about mental health because it isn't a comfortable topic to talk about. It's not supposed to make you feel the warm and fuzzies, if done correctly, it should scare you and spur you to reach out and check on that one friend who used to post a lot that you haven't heard from in awhile. The person would always had pictures of fun evenings out with friends who doesn't have anything recent. It's OK to just ask someone, "Hey- how are you REALLY doing? Can I help you? Can I bring you lunch some day?"
I get asked a lot if there is anything a person can do for me and my answer is always nothing. Not because I'm trying to be that annoying person who wants you to fish for something, but because truly, there's nothing you can do. You can't fix my brain chemistry, you can't fix the financial stress we're under, you can't make me healthy again. I'll jokingly say that if you happen to win the lottery, please think of me and I'll do the same for you if I win, but other than that... nothing.
Sometimes I'm not sure if it's my brain tricking me into thinking I can't be helped or if it's really something I just have to slog through on my own. I'm not joking when I say that human contact sounds like the worst possible thing in the whole world. When someone says they want to come sit with me I will do everything I can possibly think of to get you to not come over. I've even locked my doors and let a friend bang on it for exactly 38 minutes before she gave up and sent me a text saying I won.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but when someone is here I more times than not feel like I have to entertain them even though they tell me I don't have to. I can't help it, it's ingrained to not cry like a baby for no reason in front of people. My life is not set up where I can just go take a nap when I want to (believe me, I'd never leave my bed if that was the case). I have two kids here to take care of, I have two kids in school. My house is a mess, it's not anywhere near what I would consider clean though you'd think otherwise. Just today I mopped my floors and it was the first time since a week before Christmas.
That's totally gross but honestly, it's the best I can do right now.
So it's not that I'm ignoring help, I have a small core of friends who if I text that I need something, I know they'll pull through. I know that if I need them, they'll be here as soon as humanly possible. I have my mom here every day helping me with the little girls and she is a saint. It's not so much that I can't handle it without her, but I can't handle it without her. Having her here is like a calming presence and I know that if I say I just need five minutes, she'll take over and never make me feel like I'm doing a terrible job. I'm trying really hard to pull it together for the sake of my kids because they deserve that. It's been a really hard five months on them, too and I sometimes forget that.
So thank you. Seriously. For everyone who has emailed, texted, called, messaged, or commented- thank you. I'm going to be OK. I won't just disappear off the planet on you. I'm far too organized for that, right?