Wednesday, January 4, 2017

No need for panic and alarm, lambs- I'm still kicking

It occurred to me that after my post on Monday, some of you were alarmed that maybe that was the end. I didn't mean to freak you out or leave you on Facebook stalking mode to make sure I was still posting; therefore, OK. I'm one to be honest and if that scares you or makes you feel the feels when you don't want to, I'm not sorry. Because it's about time we're honest about mental health because it isn't a comfortable topic to talk about. It's not supposed to make you feel the warm and fuzzies, if done correctly, it should scare you and spur you to reach out and check on that one friend who used to post a lot that you haven't heard from in awhile. The person would always had pictures of fun evenings out with friends who doesn't have anything recent. It's OK to just ask someone, "Hey- how are you REALLY doing? Can I help you? Can I bring you lunch some day?"

I get asked a lot if there is anything a person can do for me and my answer is always nothing. Not because I'm trying to be that annoying person who wants you to fish for something, but because truly, there's nothing you can do. You can't fix my brain chemistry, you can't fix the financial stress we're under, you can't make me healthy again. I'll jokingly say that if you happen to win the lottery, please think of me and I'll do the same for you if I win, but other than that... nothing.

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's my brain tricking me into thinking I can't be helped or if it's really something I just have to slog through on my own. I'm not joking when I say that human contact sounds like the worst possible thing in the whole world. When someone says they want to come sit with me I will do everything I can possibly think of to get you to not come over. I've even locked my doors and let a friend bang on it for exactly 38 minutes before she gave up and sent me a text saying I won.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but when someone is here I more times than not feel like I have to entertain them even though they tell me I don't have to. I can't help it, it's ingrained to not cry like a baby for no reason in front of people. My life is not set up where I can just go take a nap when I want to (believe me, I'd never leave my bed if that was the case). I have two kids here to take care of, I have two kids in school. My house is a mess, it's not anywhere near what I would consider clean though you'd think otherwise. Just today I mopped my floors and it was the first time since a week before Christmas.

That's totally gross but honestly, it's the best I can do right now.

So it's not that I'm ignoring help, I have a small core of friends who if I text that I need something, I know they'll pull through. I know that if I need them, they'll be here as soon as humanly possible. I have my mom here every day helping me with the little girls and she is a saint. It's not so much that I can't handle it without her, but I can't handle it without her. Having her here is like a calming presence and I know that if I say I just need five minutes, she'll take over and never make me feel like I'm doing a terrible job. I'm trying really hard to pull it together for the sake of my kids because they deserve that. It's been a really hard five months on them, too and I sometimes forget that.

So thank you. Seriously. For everyone who has emailed, texted, called, messaged, or commented- thank you. I'm going to be OK. I won't just disappear off the planet on you. I'm far too organized for that, right?

1 comment:

Krystle Holt said...

Okay, this makes me feel better... but please... if someone wants to come to your house and watch the babes, while you just go sit quietly and read in your bedroom... DO IT, LET THEM! When I was in my big black dark horrible postpartum hole, I finally caved when my parents and husband said, "Krystle, just... GO. GO TO BED. Go upstairs. Go take a bath. Don't worry about Ella, just go. Go lay in bed, do whatever you please." It took me WEEKS to finally realize I DID need to go do just that, and be able to shut the door behind me with a sense of relief that I didn't have to be MOM right now.

My husband also had people lined up for a week to come over. I am like you, I feel like I have to entertain them. I felt stupid, like I wasn't THAT incapable. But, the truth is, he was THAT scared. And, looking back... I'm so fucking thankful for that. The few times I had friends coming over - one worked from home, so she brought her laptop, and the other took a day off work to be with me, and worked touch and go from my house on her work laptop... but we literally just sat there. I BARELY talked to either of them. These are my very two best friends. And, I didn't talk to them while they were at my house. They both demanded that they brought me breakfast or lunch... I told them I didn't want anything. I didn't want them to bring anything, I WAS FINE! They brought stuff anyway. They brought me some amazing delicious donuts/rolls and lunch. The other days, my grandma came out and my mom took a day off work.

Those close friends of yours... LET THEM COME TO YOUR HOUSE. They KNOW you don't have to talk. You don't even have to cry in front of them. I cried in front of one of the friends that came over, but that's because she could truly relate to how I was feeling (single mom with twins born 10 wks early, she had just gotten married 4 mos before she found out she was pregnant and her sister died a month before her wedding, she had an affair 4 mos after she got married, ended up getting pregnant, wasn't with her husband anymore, didn't want anything to do with baby dad, and she was living in the house her husband and her just built the last year w/ their own two hands... it was the epic of disasters).

So, my whole rambling point is... let friends come to your house. No, you don't have to talk to them. No, you don't have to entertain them. No, you don't have to have a clean house for them. Let them take care of the girls, while the big kids are at school. Don't feel guilty for ANY of the help you receive. You deserve it, I promise you.

And right now, as long as your kids are bathed, dressed, and fed... right now, that's all the matters. ALL the other stuff including unmopped floors, and dusty shelves and piled up counters... they can wait. TRUST ME.