But alas, as it turns out, people being rude and selfish isn't a new thing and it's not something we'll see the end of, so I suppose we just deal.
I'm also absolutely sick of hearing people say "something better will come along" or whatever else people say to placate you so they feel better that they said something positive. I respect people who are fully honest like me and just say how it is- a house that had location, size, was handicap accessible/ready, and four bedrooms with potential for five in that price range is never going to happen again. That was it. It needed enough work to ensure they'd never get more for it in that state, but it wasn't anything Matt couldn't work his magic on.
The great thing about being in therapy is that I'm learning that it is 100% OK to acknowledge when things are shit, and it's totally OK to be angry. As it turns out, I'm completely angry.
But alas, I'm supposed to try breathing exercises to not let the anger manifest into something else, which (shocker) doesn't work. I just feel winded and tired after. Then I'm angry that I can't even doing stupid breathing exercises without feeling tired.
I also am learning that throughout the entire process of living with a mental illness is that nobody knows what to do with you. Everyone absolutely means well, and I recognize that. I feel like a jerk when I realize all of the things that are driving me crazy now are things I am absolutely guilty of doing myself and I am so apologetic. Truly. If I ever came across as condescending to you or that I didn't put weight to your words, I apologize. It never came from a place of ill will, but a place of ignorance. But here's a list of things people keep suggesting to me:
- Vitamins. Yes, I know vitamins are helpful. For most people. I cannot take just any vitamin, herbal supplement, etc. My body chemistry is actually damaged. It's not even just serotonin levels for me, but I have no functioning pituitary gland so I have to fully rely on synthetic everything. I have to be extremely careful what I take, when, dosages, etc because even the slightest ripple can make a huge impact on my entire body.
- Exercise. Yes, I would LOVE to exercise. I want to. I'm gaining weight at an alarming rate because of the steroids I have to take in order to live, and I'm definitely not happy with where I am. But I also can't just get up and go. I take a medication that actually enables me to get out of bed and move, but it takes time for that to kick in. You know how during the day you feel your body get sluggish and tired but then you get a second wind? I don't get a second wind. You get that because your pituitary gland gives your body a shot of cortisol and everything gears up to go. I don't get that anymore so when I get sluggish I just start shutting down. I can take an extra dose of my medicine but I'm encouraged to get used to taking the smallest dose possible without feeling sick. Because if I don't take the medicine, or enough, I feel like I'm getting the worst flu of my life. The kind where you think, "This is it, I'm going to be featured as someone on the evening news who dies of the flu... in June". Everything on my body hurts, I can hardly move, even my eye lids hurt and blinking is excruciating. Same thing with the exercise. If I over do it? It's the same effect as not taking my medicine.
- Weed. It's almost become comical because it's countless people I know in real life, random people in the waiting rooms at the endocrinologist especially oddly enough, it's Internet doctors with a medical degree from Google, it's a lot. A LOT. And I just.. you know, if that works for you, more power to you. Truly. I have gotten to the point where I just can't even argue anymore and I just nod my head and shut up. It's not worth it. But in my head you bet I can believe I'm screaming because weed is not going to make my body produce any hormones. None. The mechanism that does that is 100% broken. Will it help for mental health? Honestly no because I'm as law abiding as they come so the stress of that alone would send me over the edge. But also, and I know this is wrong but I can't help it because it's just an ingrained belief I've had since little kid days, but I do not believe in getting high (or drunk) in any capacity as a way to deal with your problems. It's stupid and I don't care. I know a few people who use medical marijuana and aren't walking around like your high school stoners but it's not for me. That and my brain functions at an alarmingly slow speed as it is, nobody needs that to get any worse.
- Oils, salt lamps, and some kind of weird rocks people carry. I just.. no. Again, the things actually wrong with me are being I have critical parts IN me that are broken.
I recognize that people mean well. I do know that I'm a unique case so people don't know what to do to help, they don't know what to say, and they feel awkward. People, at their core, are fixers. I really believe that. I'm a fixer too, if I see a problem, yo I'll solve it. (Or at least try really hard to.) So I am giving you permission to just say, "Man, it really sucks and I wish I could help but I don't know what to do." It's OK TO SAY THAT. But what you can do, which seems like nothing at all, but really does help?
- Be understanding if I flake on you. My depression and anxiety is so unpredictable that I think I might be just fine when I agree to hang out but come that time, I'm not. And I might be too anxious to tell you that I don't have it in me.
- There's a good chance I won't answer my door. Or respond to an email/text/call right away, if at all. Again, I just can't. Some days I hit my limit of being able to cope and it has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally.
- I am trying SO HARD to be "normal" and get myself back into functioning but I struggle. Don't count on me for things but know there is a good chance I might just show up to help. If I feel good enough to help, I will come. I will. It's OK if you don't have a "job" for me, me just being there is progress for me and I'll take it.
- Be kind. I don't know how to fully explain it, but the Sara you know so well? She died. She died and she is never coming back. Every thing I used to like/hate, say/do, and feel? All gone. I'm starting from scratch. I'm having to learn about people again. Reform relationships. Fun stories or things we've done? I likely won't remember them. And I am so sorry. I know it hurts when I tell people I don't know what they are talking about, or I don't remember someone. I know it does because imagine how I feel. I've literally been plopped into a stranger's life and told to have at it. It's the exact same thing. I'm trying very hard, but please know it won't be the same.
I know this sounds all very Debbie Downer and I don't want to be that way. It isn't a case of, "Well, just be positive" because that's not something my brain understands. I'm actually incapable of that right now. It (hopefully) won't be forever but it is right now. Just don't ever forget that when you hear that saying, "Everyone is fighting their own battle", it's true. I suit up every day and wage war with myself. Some days I do OK and some days I barely make it through. I'm trying every day even on the worst ones.