Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Two.

Oh Lucy. It's so hard to believe you're two already but it also feels like you've been here for ages. I admit, I'm not doing a good job at bonding with you like I did with the other kids and sometimes I feel scared of you. I don't know why and I can't help it. I'm trying to do better. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left in me to give you and I worry you're going to feel short changed.

At the same time I'm fiercely protective of you, I love you immensely, and sometimes when you look at me I feel like you're looking right to the core of me.

You are the gentlest of the four, you're definitely the sweetest. You're the most easy going and the easiest to please. You are a great sleeper and an even better eater. You love baby dolls and your beloved purple blanket with the pink satin trim. You love Lego's and cars, you love books and phones, any movie with music so you can dance. You love the ice cream truck and the water table, you love to float on your back and swing until you're sleepy. You have the best "excited" face and the smallest feet. You aren't speaking yet but I'm not worried because you communicate what you need easily. You give great hugs and always help clean. I love you to the moon. I don't want you to grow up but I'm excited to see what you become. You're my baby in every sense of the word and I am trying so hard to absorb it all.

I am sad that I don't remember any of it. I wish I could remember the sound of your laugh and the sound of your small voice saying mama. Soon I won't remember how soft your skin is or how curly your hair is. I'll forget your favorite things and I'll forget how it feels to be your mom. It makes me so sad. I wish I could hold all of these memories but they slip away long before they should.

Two years after the worst day of my life I struggle daily. I don't want to get out of bed and I wish I wasn't here. I am working hard in therapy and I'm diligently doing what's told of me in psychiatry and now I'm starting to wonder if this is really the best I'll ever feel. Maybe I won't ever get to happy, maybe they weren't lying when they told me that a year ago. I don't know how I feel about that but it feels pretty bleak. Like a world of gray. I try to hang on the moments that I feel good, that I feel normal, but they slip away and I'm left with nothing. Sometimes I think if I could just remember the things that make me happy I wouldn't feel so gray.

But it is what it is.

This is my new normal. I'm no closer to accepting it than I was last year. This year flew by and I was hopeful that your birthday wouldn't trigger anxiety and sadness but it does. I hope someday I can look at your birthday and not feel dread and fear. I hate that you share the celebration of your birth with the worst day of my life. I hate that for you. I hate that for me.

We'll celebrate you officially on Saturday this year, but today I have a present for you and we'll have some baked goods. I will hug you and tell you how much I love you. If I can't remember these moments, I hope that you do.

11 comments:

Krysten Quiles said...

This brought tears to my eyes Sara.

I know it must be so hard, being unable to remember anything and looking at this little girl, whose birth changed your life so immensely.

You are your family are always in my thoughts.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I can't even imagine how tough today - and Lucy's birthday in general - is for you.

Do you ever film the kids? I know you might not remember things, but maybe look back at videos would help you feel like you do?

-Lauren
www.shootingstarsmag.net

Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

Thinking of you today, I know it has to be so hard, celebrating your little girl and while the trauma from that day remains. You are doing a great job, I am inspired by your strength. Much love to you and a happy birthday to Lucy.

jn said...

This truly brings tears to my eyes, Sara. I feel so bad for you, but on the same hand i respect your honesty. Your love for Lucy shines thru all of this. You know me and you know that I feel we are where we are for a reason. A reason we may never quite understand, but we must accept. Not just for ourselves but for everyone who is touched by us. You have touched many, Sara. You have probably helped people you will never know. How amazing !
Enjoy Lucy's day.....keep on journaling so you will never forget the feelings and pictures in your mind of these days. You are so loved.

Karin Rambo said...

Sara I had to go back and read your birth story, but I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Such a hard thing to have happened. I know my situation isn't similar at all, but I had preemie twins (they're 18 months now), and I resonated with a lot of what you said. I had PTSD and postpartum depression/anxiety that stemmed from the suddenness of their birth and the resulting NICU stay. I really struggled to bond with them at first and there are large chunks of their first year that I can't remember. So no, I don't fully understand what you're going through but I know the struggle of having trauma associated with a child. Again I'm so sorry!

Neely said...

This post was beautiful! We had kind of a trauma when we had Liam-he had a scary NICU stay and I remember so little from the day he was born. You are amazing!

That Studious Student said...

This is so beautiful yet so emotional all at the same time. You are really strong Sara. You are so brave and honest to yourself which is amazing.

trish said...

Thank you for sharing this, Sara! I appreciate your trying to convey your feelings. My hope for you springs eternal, and I hope beyond hope that this isn't your new normal, and that one day the good moments last longer than the bad.

Shann Eva said...

Even though you feel so very different, your writing is still beautiful and touching. I'm crying as I write this. Also, even though we have never met, I feel like I know you through your writing, and that is a gift.
I know how difficult birthdays can be when they don't bring back happy memories. It may never be as happy, but it will hopefully get a little easier or at least not as painful.
Sending love and hugs to you and your sweet Lucy.

Breakfast at Lillys said...

Such a powerful yet heartbreaking read. Keeping you in my thoughts today <3

Julie H said...

Happy Birthday to Lucy! Your girls look like twins to me in their pictures! I'm glad you are here and that you are able to write your feelings. If nothing else you will have that to go back and read. I don't even remember a lot of when my kids were little, it goes by so slow in the moment but so fast when you look back.